Arranged love

time without her

will's Pov

It's been a little over two weeks of this nightmare now and I don't know what to do. Holding onto hope gets harder and harder, and it gets harder to know what to tell Lilly because I don't want to promise her something I can't keep. The last thing I would want is to give her false hope and then when it gets taken away, she will resent me forever. Her well-being needs to be my priority, and that doesn't include lying to her.

She deserves the respect of not getting lied to when it is something so serious. I made a promise to myself on the first day that I will not lie to her regarding her mother's case, and that if she asks me a question, I'm going to give her the best answer I can with the information I have. I explain things in age-appropriate ways, at least what I think is appropriate because I don't know what the fuck I'm going with a child on my own, but I'm trying at least. 

For the past two weeks she has slept in my bed because she doesn't want to be alone, but last night I sat with her in her bed until she fell asleep and kept both of our bedroom doors open. It was important to get her back in her bed according to the child psychologist that works with traumatized children I talked with on the phone. I'm not ashamed that I needed to ask for help with how to handle Lilly, because the last thing I would want is to traumatize her more than she already is.

The psychologist told me to keep her daily routine close to normal but adapt it. So she doesn't go to school right now. But after a week I contacted the school, and they sent the material home, so she has something other than watching TV and thinking about her mom to occupy her time. I've been taking a note out of that book too, finding other things to occupy my mind. So the last week I've been working from home to try to keep my sanity. 

Everyone handles things like these differently, there is no right or wrong way to handle it. The only thing I know is that I can't sit around and think because then it leads to me breaking down which isn't good for Lilly. She needs to be my priority now because she needs me. 

I've hardly slept, but I'm forcing myself to at least get a few hours because again, it's what's best for Lilly. Whatever she needs, she gets. She is clingy, but I don't mind that either, if that's what she needs. So we spend time together. She works at her mom's desk in our home office while I work on mine, that way we are in the same room. Then we eat every meal together, read books before bed, watch movies and play. All my time goes to her because that's what she needs.

But when she isn't looking, or when she is asleep, I cry and break down. I'm trying so hard to keep it together because it's what Lilly needs, but I'm terrified too. Knowing that there is a chance I will never get to see Juliet again breaks my heart and haunts my head. 

Once upon a time, I thought that material things and money would be what I needed to be happy, but now I know that's not true. What I need is Juliet and Lilly, they make my days brighter and give me a reason to get up every day. They are truly all I need in life; I love them both more than words could describe. 

I've also been scared about what would happen with Lilly if Juliet doesn't come back. I know that CPS gave me temporary custody, but you never know in those situations. If they took Lilly away from me, I don't think I could recover. So I have been talking with my lawyer about what to do If this lasts for months. 

Right now, the feds say they have hot leads they are following, but if that cools down, I know I need to do something drastic about Lilly. in talks with my lawyers, I know I need to file for permanent custody to make sure that both Lilly and I have security that we will always be together, and that there isn't a chance that CPS will change their minds and take her away from me. 

I know that at the beginning of the marriage, Juliet said that she was not allowed to interfere with Lilly's life, but that has changed. She was against adoption back then, but I think she would want that now. If she doesn't come back, it's the right thing to do, to give both Lilly and me the stability we need. Lilly needs to feel secure that no one is going to change their mind and separate us. And I need that same security for my sanity.