Sand In My Boots: The Sequel

Chapter 2

I got home roughly an hour later after having had more than enough time to ponder all the philosophical questions Dr. Finley had engraved in my brain while I waited for the dense Nashville traffic to clear off.

"Hey, how was the appointment?" Morgan asked, lifting his head to look at me. He was in the living room, laying on his stomach next to Sailor, making sure she was getting enough tummy time. I smiled at the scene.

"It was good," I exhaled softly. "Kinda draining," I admitted, sitting down on the floor next to him and placing a soft peck on his lips.

"She's getting good at this," he giggled, pointing to Sailor who was rolling her little body over from her tummy to her back.

"Where's Ellie?" I asked him, my eyes scanning the room anxiously.

"Breathe, mama bear," he said, placing a gentle hand on my upper thigh. "She's in the backyard playing with Indie." I exhaled softly.

"Sorry," I mumbled. He squeezed my thigh, rubbing the fabric of my jeans with his thumb. He got closer to me and let his lips brush my right ear.

"Nothing to be sorry for," he whispered, placing a heartwarming kiss on the side of my head. I smiled faintly.

"Do you think your mom could take the kids for the night?" I asked, looking into his eyes.

"Sailor too?" He asked, his eyebrows raising in surprise at my request. I swallowed hard, feeling the panic slowly install itself at the bottom of my throat. He obviously noticed the change in my eyes because he backtracked almost instantly.

"Hey, we don't have to- Sailor can stay here-" He started, speaking softly, so softly I could see the pity radiating from his gaze. He pities me. It's not even just compassion anymore. It's pity.

"Even Sailor," I said, feeling my heart beating in my chest as I said the words out loud. I have to take control of this paralyzing fear that something is going to happen to her. I have to let go of what happened during her birth and understand that it doesn't mean that other traumatizing things will happen to her in the future. I know, in my core, that she is as safe with Lesli as she is with me and that Morgan and I desperately need some alone time to find a way to reconnect to one another. I know Dr. Finley is right about that. I know I have to put my crippling anxiety aside and take care of my relationship because at the end of the day, Morgan is just as much a part of our family as the kids are.

I see a smile starting to paint itself on his face, making his eyes squint and his cheeks appear fuller. Nothing to do with the smile in my nightmare. Everything to do with the smile I first fell in love with. That's what I need to focus on.

"I'll call her," he says, giving me an urgent peck on the lips and getting off the floor to go grab his phone in the kitchen. "She'll be real' happy to take the kids, you know," he added from the other room. "But you can't bail now. I'm calling her, so no turning back this time- Hey," he said as she seemingly picked up. I felt my hands getting increasingly sweaty. No turning back. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, trying to regulate my emotions, remembering everything Dr. Finley had taught me to handle stressful situations gracefully. I want to run to the kitchen. I want to rip the phone out of his hands and say 'nevermind, I don't want Sailor to go anywhere. Nevermind, I'm not ready. Nevermind, I will deal with the fallout of our relationship if it means I get to hold my baby in my arms while she falls asleep tonight'. I want to backtrack, but I know I can't. Breathe in, Aubrey. Breathe in and breathe out. Do it with me. I hear Jared's voice say in my head. His calm, compassionate, steady voice. The voice I miss so terribly much, but that I have to resign myself to never hearing again. And yet, even though it's only a faint memory that's been etched in the back of my brain, his words successfully calm me down.