𝘛𝘖𝘓𝘌𝘙𝘈𝘛𝘌 𝘐𝘛 ⇢ r.bowen

21

ELIZABETH'S POV- March 15

Ricky and I end up staying awake pretty late.

After he talked to his Mom, he seemed so much happier.

"Thank you, Liz," he says impromptu as we're in the middle of watching some random made-for-TV movie.

I roll over in bed so I'm facing him. "What for?"

He rolls his eyes. "For convincing me to talk to my mom earlier? I just realized I never thanked you. So thank you."

I nod in response. I can't help but feel my stomach do flips because of how close we are.

It's dark in the room, and even though we're in a queen bed there's only a few inches of space between us as we are now facing each other.

He doesn't break away his stare from me so I decide it's okay to keep looking at him. I study every part of his face, memorizing every curl, every freckle, every smile line.

"But what about you?" He whispers, so lowly I barely even hear him over the hum of the TV.

I look at him in confusion. "What about me?"

"We need to get you some sort of closure. I did, just by telling my mom how I felt, but I know it'll be especially hard for you. I know my feelings about their divorce is practically nothing compared to what you've been through this year."

"No," I whisper back, "I don't think anyone's problems are, like small. Everyone's got shit and it's not a competition to see who's is worse."

He smiles a bit, and his teeth are bright white against the darkness. "That's very mature of you to say."

I smile back. "I've grown up Ricky."

He nods in agreement. "You have. But you've always been so beautiful, inside and out. I love you Liz. I hope you know that."

"I love you too Ricky," I say, but I can't meet his eye because he has no idea that I really love him in a way he'd never love me.

"How come you never told me any of it?" He asks. "I know I should've said something because a few times I noticed that Percy didn't really treat you the best. But I had no idea it was so bad. You could've said something earlier."

I shrug. "I know. Because that's what you're supposed to do, right? I mean, that's a pretty basic thing every girl learns young but I guess... I guess the thought of losing him was too much. A part of me thought that, even though he treated me the way he did, he still loved me at least a little bit. And if I were to tell someone, we'd break up and then I would never be loved again. But looking back, I'm realizing I never really did feel loved anyway. At least, not by him. Because love shouldn't feel that way, right?"

"Love is hard. I think so. Everything's hard. I think it's more deciding whether or not it's really worth the struggle. And if it is, that's how you know you really love someone." He pauses. "I just feel really bad, because I wasn't there for you. You had to carry all that alone."

My eyes sting with tears.

"Hey," he says gently, rubbing his thumb over a tear that had fallen into my cheek. "Don't cry, Liz."

"Right," I say, laughing a little, "cause then you'll think I'm a crybaby too."

He cracks a smile at that one. "I never thought that. I thought, well, think, the opposite, actually. That you are so strong."

I smile, and he smiles, and then we just lay there smiling stupidly at each other for what feels like an eternity.

His eyes keep drifting to my lips. If it were any other boy doing that, I'd think it's because he wanted to kiss me, but Ricky's my best friend. We could never kiss. It would ruin everything. Or maybe just change everything... for the better.

"Hey," I say quickly, before I lose my nerve. "Remember earlier, when you said I need to get closure somehow?"

"Yeah?"

I let out a breath. "There's only one way I can get it."

He looks at me expectantly.

"Well, you see, there's this guy... and I've loved him for... I don't know, years? But it's never been the right time to tell him but I think if I did, I might really know what love feels like. Because every time I'm with this boy, I feel loved and respected and cared for in a way I've never felt before."

I glance at his lips then back at his eyes.

He smiles. "Well I think you should probably tell him how you feel."

"Or I could show him."

I lean in and kiss him, and he immediately kisses me back. His hand strokes my hair and our bodies fit together perfectly. This is it. This is what I've been longing for.

I pull away for air. "Liz..." he breathes. "I think this is what love feels like."

I don't know what will happen tomorrow.

Or next week, when we go back to Salt Lake City.

I'm not sure what happens next, but I am okay with that, because for now I have what I've always wanted, and something that the both of us never knew we needed.

It's always been him though, looking back. It always was.

For the first time in my life, I have chosen to be brave. In the moments when I am usually weak, scared, nervous, I chose to be brave. I chose to speak up. And now, I know my love will be celebrated, not tolerated.