Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
ELIZABETHS POV- February 14th
"Okay people!" Miss Jen shouted over all the commotion in the bomb shelter. "Let's get started! Blocking for 'Be Our Guest'. Carlos, bring over that chair, and we'll have Belle enter stage left..."
I tuned out the rest of what she said. It's not like it would apply to me anyway.
It's been a few weeks since auditions for Beauty and the Beast. Unlike Ricky, I'm not a natural at acting and I never got a lead role, especially not in my first musical. But that was years ago, I've been doing this since middle school. Yet I've still never gotten a big part. It's just so frustrating. Especially with Nini gone at YAC, I thought I'd have a better chance. I hate myself for even thinking that, but it's the truth.
Instead of Belle, who I'd auditioned for, I was casted as Silly Girl #1. At least I had lines. Well, one line; "Madame Gaston, can't you just see it?" Yeah. Not like I'm getting my Broadway debut or something. I guess I was just destined to be in the background.
I was really disappointed with the fact that I didn't get a lead, but of course I had to act happy for my friends since literally everyone in the friend group got a big part except me. I pretended like I didn't care but deep down it really hurt. None of them asked me how I felt about it, or even pretended to be a at least a little surprised I didn't get a good role. It was like they had just expected that. And it was even worse knowing that Miss Jen wouldn't even give me a chance.
While Miss Jen was directing everyone in the main cast for the biggest number, Be Our Guest, which I of course wasn't a part of, I sat off to the side scribbling down lyrics to a song I'd been working on.
Over these past couple of weeks, I'd become practically obsessed with writing songs. I've never been good with words, but writing songs was different. It's like, for the first time in my life, I can express what I'm feeling using words. I think it's easier because I know no one will ever hear my songs. But whatever. It helps me sort out what I'm thinking.
Right now I'm working on an untitled song. I've been writing it all day.
I was distracted through rehearsals about my song, so that once it was finally over, instead of leaving I decided to go to the auditorium and see how it sounded with the piano.
Once I sat down at the piano bench, I played through the simple chord progression I worked out to go with the lyrics, and then I began singing. It felt good to sing for fun again. It'd been a while that I just did something for myself.
"You have a beautiful voice, Elizabeth."
I looked up, and there was Miss Jen in the wings. She stepped closer to me on the side of the stage. "You wrote that song yourself?"
I nod my head yes, unsure of what else to even say. Yeah, she said I have a beautiful voice, but she obviously thinks it isn't good enough since I didn't even get a good part in the musical.
She must've seen my thoughts written all over my face, because then she said, "you want to know why I didn't, why I couldn't give you a bigger role in the musical? The only reason why."
I nod again.
She sighs and places a hand on top of the piano. "You're not confident. Not in anything that you do. And when you sing, it shows. Even in the lyrics of your song that you were singing just now.
It's like you're always just... unsure of everything. Like you don't trust yourself. And in my productions, I need my leads to do just that."
She frowns, and then walks away. But just before she leaves, she stops by the curtains and turns back to face me. "If you can overcome that, I guarantee you'll be unstoppable. You're an amazing singer and actress, Elizabeth. And the world deserves to see that."
She walks away before I can respond.
*****
"I wait by the door like I'm just a kid Use my best colors for your portrait Lay the table with the fancy shit And watch you tolerate it If it's all in my head tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it
While you were out building other worlds, where was I? Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire? I made you my temple, my mural, my sky Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life Drawing hearts in the byline Always taking up too much space or time You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I Break free and leave us in ruins Took this dagger in me and removed it Gain the weight of you then lose it Believe me, I could do it
If it's all in my head tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it."
I turn off the camera and rewatch the video of me singing. After everything Miss Jen said to me earlier, I was mad. And I kept thinking of Miss Jen saying the world deserved to see my talents. So I decided to record myself singing the song I've been writing and post it to a new Instagram page I made specifically for my songs.
I almost chickened out pressing the 'post' button about 5 times, until I finally forced myself to do it. We'll see what happens, I guess.
