Love Incarnated.

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When we're inlove we're blinded by feelings. We can't see reason and neither can we see the faults in our beloved.

The problem now is, when your parents do not accept your love, when they don't love the person that has blinded you so much.

And then, they try to separate you two for their own personal reasons and not putting your feelings in perspective.

Yeah, that's my story.
Seven years ago I was forced to marry someone who wasn't the love of my life. I cried, begged, had sleepless nights and even went on a hunger strike but it didn't change their minds.

I married Abdullahi and at first things were terrible. I intentionally did things to make him angry hoping he'd give up on me, on our marriage but he never did and eventually I realized I couldn't do anything about it and eventually gave up.

Abdullahi became a lot more than just my husband. He became my companion, my best friend, my partner, gossip buddy and my baby daddy. Yes, we had our daughter, Aya a year and a half later and he became the best father.

I stopped regretting my parent's decision and move past it until a few months after when Abdulhameed got married. I can't deny that I did shed a few tears remembering him, what we had and the promises we made but after that he never crossed my mind again.

Now, I'm in pain.
I lost my husband in a car crash. It's been 7months now and I still can't get over it, I miss him so much and so does Aya but I try to be strong for her. Things are even harder because I lost my parents last two years too, five months apart.

All I can say is that these past few months have been hell for me and I honestly, I'm just surviving for my daughter now.

I sigh taking a deep breath opening her lunch bag.
I put in her sandwiches, caprison, a bar of chocolate and an apple before zipping it up. I take a bottle of water and fill her water bottle, putting it in the pocket on the side on her bag.

I place both the school and lunch bag on the kitchen island before going to check up on her.
I had already dressed her up before fixing her food, I only let her put on her socks.

I find her on her bed playing with a Barbie doll.
"You're not taking that to school Aya"
She pouts making a sad face.
"I'm not changing my mind. Come now let's put on your shoes"

She hurries over.
I kneel and put them on for her. I hold her by the shoulders making sure everything looks perfect and in place. If I have not mentioned I'm a bit of a perfectionist, it's the cause of about 80% of my arguments with Abdullahi. He's not a dirty person but he doesn't care about the difference between a remote being kept on the center table or on the tv stand.

I wish I could go back to those days. I wouldn't mind where he puts it.

"Ready?"
She smiles.
"Let's go" I say holding her hand and leading her to the kitchen. She puts on her back pack while I pick up her lunch bag, car keys, house keys and phone before we walk out and lock up the house.

The thing is we moved to this house three years ago. Abdullahi was an architect and he designed it. I helped of course and we made our dream home, the house we were supposed to grow old in. My sister suggested I sell the house but I cannot, this was something he put everything into.

This house brought him joy, it was the first time we did something without even one argument and we do that a lot. But I think most times we do it to frustrate one another but it didn't make us love each other any less.

I can't give up our home, I want Aya to grow up here, in the home he made and one he was proud of.

::

Before I lost Abdullahi I used to work at a law firm. Truth is—I wasn't around all that often, I worked a lot especially because I was doing so well and got hired for alot of cases. We even had to get Aya a nanny, at first he was trying to understand how busy I got but eventually he got fed up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that although the last time I saw him everything was perfect between us, our last few months have been a constant back and forth bicker and everyday I regret it. I know having arguments is very normal between couples but I constantly find myself regretting my actions more and more everyday.

Anyway now, I am unemployed. I want to dedicate all my time to my daughter, I have to be both her mother and father too.

I smile.
Before I could work for hours peacefully knowing he'd take care of her but now she only has me, just me.

Now I just do all the things I wish I did when he was still here.
I started seeing a therapist about 3months back. She told me to get a hobby so I've taken up baking and I have to say I enjoy it. I do most of the house work, the cooking but it gets lonely when Aya is at school so I guess I need to find something else to do with my time.

I bring the bread out of the oven and keep it on the kitchen counter.
"Umm—the smell of freshly baked bread" Nazira says taking a long whiff.

I smile "Well, Aya and I can't finish all this so I'll get this packaged and ready to go for you"
She nods excitedly "Thank you, you're a darling"

I only smile back.
A week doesn't go by without at least 3 of my friends coming to see me, I know they're just worried I might break down but I won't.

"Why don't we go on a vacation?" She suggests sitting on the stool by the kitchen counter.
I scoff "I have a five year old daughter to take care of"

She smiles "Your sister, she can take care of her"
I shake my head "I can't travel out of the country, not now"

She stands, walks over and holds my hand "it doesn't have to be outside the country. We can go to a resort even for the weekend"

"No, I neglected my daughter and husband. I've lost him and all I do is regret it. It's not worth it"
"I'm just worried. You didn't give yourself time to grief and you're taking up more than you can handle. You're always looking so miserable and your daughter shouldn't see her mother that way"

I pull my hand away and fake a smile "I'm doing just fine. I'm handling myself perfectly okay and you all do not need to keep coming all the time to check up on me. I'm grateful but I'm doing just fine, thank you"

She stares at me with so much pity. Why should she pity me? Am I someone to pity? I'm doing fine.
I can handle everything.
I don't need a stupid vacation and my daughter does not need to see her mother crying everyday of her life, she needs someone strong.

I smile again "Uhh—I should go check up on the girls and make sure they don't need anything" I make an excuse and walk out.

It's already taking everything in me to keep it together, I don't need anyone trying to make me fall apart.

::