Let It Be

Chapter 17

I ended up spending the night with Brandy that night. We didn't do anything, like I halfway expected, but we did stay up through most of the night laughing, drinking some of the wine she had at her place, and just talking about life. She was a cool girl. I enjoyed it. But since we didn't have any "fun in the sheets" like I assumed, my mind would often wander to Jazz. I knew I was being an asshole. I knew that she didn't deserve that, but part of me wanted to believe she did. Just to justify me acting the way I did.

----------------------------

A few weeks passed and I hadn't heard from Jazz; no texts, no calls, no stopping by my kiosk at work. It was almost as if she had dropped off the face of the earth. My pride wouldn't let me text or call her so we just faded from each others lives. I just had to accept that fact and move on. She clearly wasn't thinking about me, so I had to find someone to not think about her.

I decided to hop on Fish in The Sea one bored, lonely night. I scrolled through countless profiles for 10 minutes before my eyes stumbled upon a familiar face. I'd seen this woman before. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I knew I had seen her.

I clicked on the profile and scrolled through the pictures when it hit me. I'd seen this picture before in Jazz's phone. It was the picture that popped up on her phone the infamous night we had sex for the first time. It was her. The girl who Jazz was so head over heels with. The girl that she was basically in love with but couldn't have. It was the girl I was essentially "competing" with. I thought that if I spent enough time with Jazz and put it on her often, she'd eventually forget about the other girl. That she'd come to her senses and get with me. I scrolled deeper into the pictures of this girl to see what I was up against. She was verse: kinda like a versatile "no label" woman. But you could tell that she had a lot of stud qualities by the way she posed and the way she essentially portrayed herself. She was light skinned with long curly hair and looked almost as if she could pass for Puerto Rican. She had a gorgeous smile, and pretty ass hazel eyes. Now, I knew I was cute, but damn.. this girl was sexy as fuck. There was something off about her, though, but I couldn't quite figure it out. I scrolled to the end of the pictures and there was a simple pic of Jazz and the girl together. They posed for the camera, both smiling, arms around one another. It was slightly more than a friendship pose but nothing too intimate. I didn't know what to think of it. My feelings were twirling in a whirlwind all over again. Was I jealous? I couldn't tell. I just knew that I felt uneasy.

I laughed to myself with pain and jealousy in my heart. I didn't think seeing this girl would make me feel the way it did, but it did. I leaned back on my couch and grabbed my phone.

What's the worst that could happen if I sent a text to Jazz? I told myself

"Hey wussap.." I tapped out on my phone.

15 minutes of me sitting, waiting and watching tv passed before I finally got a reply. "Not much. You?" was the plain reply I got back.

"So I saw your girl on FITS." I sent back. The mere fact that I was imptient and it took her forever to reply made me want to get straight to the point. I also used the term "your girl" just to see if Jazz would combat it.

"Who?" Jazz sent to me. I breathed out.

"Your girl, your ex you used to tell me about." I told her, breathing deep with anticipation.

"Ohhhh. lol yea she's on there. She's about to delete it. We're gettin back together." Jazz sent.

Silence.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I couldn't text.

I sat and thought.

I mean, I couldn't really be mad. I stopped talking to her. I did that stupid spiteful shit the last time I saw her. I acted like an asshole. It was my fault. Not hers.

I lost.

I tossed my phone to the other side of the couch and sat there. I closed my eyes and laid my head back, staring at the back of my eyelids. Thinking.

How could I let this happen? How could I let my pride, ego, and jealousy get in the way of something that could have been AMAZING?

After about 40 minutes of sitting there, doing nothing but thinking and over analyzing, I grabbed my phone and texted her back. "That's great."

-----------------------------

Months passed and the pain dulled. I went out, I dated random women, I did whatever I could to keep my mind off Jazz. Time and time again, Jazz and her new girlfriend began popping up all over social media. She was constantly posting about how happy she was, how this woman was everything to her, and how she would never let her go. I couldn't help but cringe when I saw them together so I slowly began to stop checking my social media pages in general. I lost my chance with the most phenomenal women I ever got a chance to get to know. I played games, I got jealous, I didn't talk to her directly about it and fucked up. I was upset at myself. But I knew somewhere deep down, it was for the best.

-----------------------------

Eventually, Jazz and I began talking as friends again. One day, in the middle of the day, I got a frantic phone call from her. She and her girlfriend had moved in with each other and an issue arose where Jazz thought ol girl was cheating on her with one of her male coworkers. I listened, as a friend, and offered her my opinion after about an hour of her venting. I tried ot stay as unbiased as possible. She was hurting, and it actually sucked to hear the pain in her voice. As she began to gather herself and her emotions, I said something that made her laugh. It felt good knowing I could still bring out a smile from her when she was upset.

As Jazz finished laughing, she got serious for a moment. "I wonder where my life would be if you and I had gotten together back then..." She said somberly.

"Yea," I simply replied. "But that's something that we'll never know. I'm just glad you're still my friend after all of this."

"Yea. I guess you're right." She said as she continued the conversation about her girlfriend.

Although I was still hurt deep down inside about us not ever getting together, I was still somewhat at peace. I was at peace in just knowing that I hadn't lost her from my life. The laughs were still the same, the late night talks were still the same (with the addition of her gf problems), the way I felt about her.. would always remain the same. She was the one that showed me how to stop giving a fuck about what people thought about me and who I chose to date. She was the one that brought out a side of me that I would forever live with. And for that, I was eternally grateful. She was an amazing woman. She had brains, dreams, and an amazing view on the world and everything in it. She opened my eyes to a different way of thinking. She opened me up to deeper knowledge of who I was. She opened me up to unapologetically be... me.

.The End.