Falling For Henry Cavill

Lies

Although I was trying my upmost to go to church, pray, study the bible, and follow the commandments, I still found that I could hear those lies every now and then coming from somewhere. The lies he was now telling me were that I was not worthy anymore, and that I would never be worthy again because I had done too much to lose all the blessings I once had. He said that I could never be that person again and that I was not ever going to undo what I had done. As soon as I heard that voice, I kneeled in prayer until my spirit could hear it no more and felt God's presence around me. I read and reread a book titled The Miracle of Forgiveness. I needed to hear that I still had a chance, that not all was lost and that I could be the person I once was perhaps a better me than before. I kept hearing those lies from time to time especially while at church and could not participate fully. Sometimes It would say that if God loved me, he would not make me feel like an outcast at church, but as soon as it started, I closed my eyes and prayed until that voice dissipated and all I could feel was the savior's love giving me the strength that I needed. I started to play inspirational and faith-based music only and that helped quiet that voice more than before. It was like a safety zone for me and my spirit.

Sometimes, when Henry was around for the day on Sundays after church, I would hear the voice saying that he did not want to marry me and that he would drop me as soon as he met someone better, someone prettier. It was hard not to believe it because I always felt that he would not want me once he got to know me or that he would get tired of me and find a celebrity. I did not act like it, but these thoughts lurked in the back of my mind incessantly. Nowadays, I felt as though it were true. I was also getting heavier, and I knew my appearance was not pretty. He was. He was perfect with his beautiful, chiseled face and chiseled body as if he had just walked out of the magazine and it only made me feel worse because I found myself comparing me to him, and the actresses he worked with were in better shape than I was. It took me several weeks before I could speak about it to anyone.

When I did, I spoke to Maggie and told her how I was feeling lately. She embraced me and filled my spirit up with words of comfort and positivity. I instantly felt better, but once she was not around, I heard those lies again, not too loudly, but enough to hear them and question my own worth even though I had always known my own worth and was confident enough of myself to not fall into those type of thoughts. I know that it was because of my transgression-that sin that was not as bad as adultery or the breaking of any commandments but bad enough to go through the repentance process for. I knew I was too vulnerable and easy prey for that son of God who never acquired a body of his own. In his miserable, bitter, state, he was trying to assure my own state of unhappiness and loath. Neither which were true. Yet, he spoke those lies to me to convince me that I was lost. I did the utmost to keep myself free from that voice in my head and even visited my church leader for some guidance. As soon as I contacted him, I was able to see him, and he and brother Allen-Edward- gave me a blessing that same day which filled me with an inner peace that replaced all the negative feelings that preoccupied me.

A couple of weeks later, as I was teaching online, I received several texts and phone calls from Maggie, Gemma, David, Emma, Ethan, and Eve, all asking me if I had seen the trending celebrity news and that I was best if I had not. A humble feeling came over me. I knew the word would get out about Henry and I and that I was expecting his baby, but even though I half expected it to happen, I was not sure if I could face it or even dared to know what they were saying. Once I was finished with my session, I dared to open the internet browser and hopped on celebrity news. What I saw on the screen made me sick to my stomach. I was not prepared for the attacks. I was not expecting them to make up lies about me for my family and the whole world to read. The lies made by the writer was not the worst part; it was the comments.

The comments people making on the article were hateful and saying that I was playing Henry. Others said I was using him and that I was lying about my pregnancy, so he would marry me. Others called me a gold digger who wanted him to only for his money. It was on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook and many other social media aps. A picture of me with Henry outside of the doctor's office was all over the internet and people from all over the world were making comments on my character as if they knew me personally. The attacks on me were endless, so I had to turn it off- everything. I did not know what to do. I did not want to talk to anyone, so I turned my phone off as well, I was sure that Henry knew about it or would know about it soon. If he called me and I did not answer that would worry him more, and although I did not want to I had to turn my phone back on. I did not reply or call anyone back; I was only waiting for Henry's call. The only person I could talk to at the moment. But he had not called, and I was afraid of getting out of the house.