Falling For Henry Cavill

Broken

  I was sure that the breakup would have affected me knowing that he and I were different in many ways and because he was not my ideal. Regardless of what I thought, the effect of the breakup did indeed manifest itself after a week. Unable to talk to him regularly made me feel lonely. I no longer had anyone to stay up or wait for. I no longer had to think of someone else's schedule and that put me in a position I had not known before. I was – sorrowful to say the least and regretful. I was the one that ended up with my past boyfriends and I was the one that wanted it that way, and although we both ended it cordially, I didn't know that it would physically hurt. I found myself crying almost every night. Crying for hours until I fell asleep. I could not go to work without being reminded of him and tears falling from my face without any warning and feeling a rush of emotions that caused me to tremble without stopping. It was not long for my co-workers and boss to realize what was wrong. Once they worked it out, they all offered to set me up with someone, but I did not want that. The boss offered a few kind words of wisdom but expected me to leave it at home. Maggie was sure that if I went with her to the single adult church activities that I would find someone. I did not want to meet anyone. At least not yet. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to cry it all out so that it would stop hurting, but it would not no matter how much I cried and trembled. I wondered if it would even stop hurting. I wondered about him and checked his Instagram and searched if there were any more news of him on BuzzFeed and other girls on different celebrity outlets. I could not find anything. His Instagram account was not much help either. His posts were to his followers and were empty. They were not him. But I would sit in front of it on the weekends just looking at his selfies. I began to feel ashamed of myself, but every time I tried to not think about him, even when I was around Maggie, Emma, or any of the Allen family, but there was always something that made me think of him. They all tried hard not to mention him or anything that had to do with him and the time together and they did not. It did not help because it had nothing to do with my surroundings but with what was going on inside me and what I was feeling which was always at the surface. It was more than I ever had experienced and for the first time in a long time I began to make contact with my mom on a daily basis. This helped subdue some of the pain I carried and did no cry as often. Instead, I contemplated back on the memories when I felt the pain swell up in my chest that made its way to my throat and got choked up. The movies that I used to watch for comfort were no longer comforting. He was in them and instead of comfort I found pain. Seeing his face on the screen brought back the feeling of disappointment. Knowing that we were incompatible even though it felt so right to be with him was a pain in the gut that had me aching for him. I tried to call him several times but after I keyed the number on the phone, I would remember what he said when we decided to end it. His words haunted me but brought me the perspective that I needed when feeling the emptiness of not having him around. We were too different, and we wanted different things. I wanted to be married in the church. He did not want to be married at all. He just wanted someone to be with him everywhere his career took him, and I was not willing to live with someone without being married. When I thought about it logically, it made sense and was okay with it even though it did hurt. When I did not think about it logically, it would hurt worse than when I did not and would automatically have to think about his words to bring me back to reality of what I truly wanted and not be taken in by the emotions that befell me every time I would pine on the relationship I lost and the way he made me feel when he hugged me or when he was near. Slowly I began to realize that it was best that I attend the single adult activities with Maggie again. I had been adamant about staying away from them because I wanted to find relief in my solace, but I had not. As I prayed for guidance and relief, I realized that I could not heal unless I moved on and attended those activities that were there for me to help me. On the first of the month of July, Maggie and I attended a break the fast gathering. I decided to cook something to take and that helped my spirits. I made a dish and a desert and enjoyed my time with the rest of the ten people gathered there. Although I knew most of them, I did not talk to many of them for fear of being disagreeable. Maggie stayed by my side, and we walked amongst ourselves and among Deida and Gemma who are new to the single adult scene and had recently joined. John, who was with someone I did not know, was also there. They joined us towards the end of the activity and chatted for a little while as we cleared up the place. John introduced Daniel who looked very interested in me. We had not been speaking long when he started to ask me what I was doing next weekend. A bit surprised, I said I did not know but that I had to work until 7:00 pm both Friday and Saturday unless I had the day off but did not know my schedule yet. We exchanged phone numbers before leaving. I was not sure about dating anyone yet. Something told me that in order to move on I would have to go out and give Daniel a chance. There was something about Daniel that reminded me of Henry. I did not know if it was the effects of just missing him or if he really did look like him. Before I knew it, he was messaging me the very next day.