Ruination

26. A Letter of Regrets

-Our situations had finally flipped-

Sila

Breathing can sometimes turn out to be the loneliest experience, especially on frigid days. Summer was around me, but all I could feel was the frigid breeze of cold regrets and sorrow. 

I was in a mourning mood. 

The tragedies of the past, the regrets...

Sitting in my office alone, I was sifting through files and realizing one crucial emotion, one that I had never built to courage to face before... 

Forgiveness.

My eyes tightly closed in despair, as I inhaled an agonized breath of air and then reopened my eyes to tiredly look at the envelope resting in the middle of my office desk. My office room was small, white tilted and had a wall-length window (situated behind my desk) that peered at the blue, smoky sky. 

I was miles above the ground, and I felt as if I had climbed this high to escape from everything that my heart didn't want to accept. 

I didn't want to forgive myself. 

Despite finally moving on with my life, accepting my scars and heartbreak as an experience, forgiving myself was the one thing I could never do. I held a grudge against my stupidity, my stubbornness to become an easy target.

I had made it too easy for people like Eliyas to prey on my heart,

My choices, even my arrogance about believing a guy could go crazy over me...they had been my biggest mistakes, and I hated how much I had lost because of my dumb choices. 

People, like Eliyas, were in numbers. They hurt and ruined, lurked in corners for a chance, and I, being ungrateful for my comfort, had decided to foolishly jump straight into a common trap. That was something I could never forgive myself for, and if I couldn't forgive myself, how could I ever forgive anyone else? 

Tears of suppressed hurt and pain gathered in my head that mourned the loss of a girl who was madly sure about being a princess meant to be rescued by a prince charming, and I leaned back against my office chair, staring at the white ceiling with despair. 

There was sunlight flooding my room...a desperate need to focus on something that kept me going was stressing my mind.

Nabeel...my baby boy...

I had to focus on him. I had to remind myself that I was a mother to a little boy who had been deceived by a loved one, too. We had a common factor in our lives; the same man whose selfishness had ruined so much for us, and I needed to save my son from becoming as scarred as me.

He was still so young, still had hope...

And if Eliyas took that hope away from him, I would never be able to forgive myself. It was my way of healing. If I could save Nabeel from his father's mess, I would feel as if I had rescued myself, too. 

I was desperate. 

I needed severe rescuing. 

I missed my home and my loved ones who had probably already disowned me...and if I truly needed to keep out the extreme feeling of loneliness and abandonment, I had to keep working on the feels that made me feel part of a family where the bonds were willing to fight for each other.  

Nabeel and I only had each other in this place. 

We couldn't let Eliyas take that away.

I couldn't allow Eliyas to take away yet another source of happiness from me.