Ruination

10. The Deal

-One choice burned my self-esteem-

Sila

The choices one makes in lonely solitude are often the wrong ones. My desperation, insecurities and the serene sensation that someone wanted me had clouded my heart. My wants had been my greatest downfall. 

My self-esteem was in ruins. 

Now, after the red glaze of temper had cooled down, anxiety hit me hard. I had messed up. My job...I didn't want to lose it. Not because of him. Not because of a man who once had my heart. Maryam had been right. I couldn't give up on this city life. And with my credentials right now, no one was going to hire me. People from the city don't hire street rats. I had no credentials, could offer no background checks. I would be dumped back to Madam Hamna's if I failed on these lands. I didn't want that. At all. I couldn't go back to that stage of my misery. 

Anxious, trembling, I stood beside Maryam in one corner of the staff room and kept biting on my thumbnail. She was looking at me with deep pity, worry and sympathy. Both of us had arrived early to our shift today. Last night, we had spent dreading the morning, and now my hysteria was finally catching up with me. 

"He will get me fired today. He will make sure that I don't get hired again!" I was panicking, rocketing back and fro on my heels. It was the start of an anxiety attack. Heart palpitations, the feeling of doom...the fidgeting...I was losing control.

"We can talk to him. I can tell him that what happened yesterday was a just mistake..." Maryam suggested. She was feeling my pain, worrying for me.

"No...No..." I frantically shook my head, grabbing her arm in desperation.

Apologizing to him would be so degrading! He didn't deserve it. This was all his fault. I couldn't apologize to him for doing this to me. I couldn't give him the upper hand again. It would crush me if I had to take back all that I had said to him. I couldn't. I couldn't lower my shoulders in defeat before that beast. To see him look smug and give a victory smile would be my doom. 

He deserved to be thrown in jail!

"Okay, then why don't you just go and talk to him? Tell him that you are tired of his antics and don't want to keep letting the past drag on. Tell him, that you have moved on and no longer care about the lost wealth or his betrayal, also, that is high time that both of you develop a professional attitude. If he sees that you are no longer a threat, he will stop bothering you."

"B-But I don't want to let that go." My voice cracked with so much hurt and frustration. "I don't want him to simply get away with my ruination. I want him to suffer. I hate him so much! I want him to pay! I want him to regret hurting me!" I fumed, gaze moving towards the ground, feeling hot tears brim my eyes. 

"Sila," Maryam coaxed me to look up, her tone tired and realistic, as she sighed. "I know. But, sometimes, in life, we don't get closures or apologies. There is no point in waiting for words when that wait is just holding us back. Just let him be him. He is ruining his own life by living on stolen gains. Tell him that you are done with the past. You need this. You need to stop letting him get in the way of your strength." She rested one palm on my shoulder.

The impending sense of panic and anxiety had me shaking. The haunting sensation of muttering soft words for him made me feel scared. I didn't want to face that beast again. He had hit me yesterday. I couldn't give in first. It would be just another blow to self-esteem. I couldn't raise the white flag in this fight. He had to apologise to me!

'O-Okay." I nodded, hesitant. I had no other choice. 

I was at a spot in my life where I couldn't afford stiffness. I needed to see marrying Eliyas as a mistake in my life and just move on. I couldn't confront him. I couldn't challenge him. I had to assure him that I wasn't a threat. I couldn't fight the battle he was willing to wager on.