Ruination

2. The Lonely Realization

-There are moments when you realize that you have lonely strength-

Sila

There are moments when even your strength echoes a deep cry of loneliness. Choosing Eliyas was an unconscious cry of loneliness...suppressed hurt of always staying in the background. For once, I wanted to somehow match up with my cousins. The shy me (known to adore isolation) wanted to reach out to others but just didn't know how. 

Eliyas seemed like a dream come true, which took me away from the insecurity of being left behind. I had been trailing behind. I just wanted a hand to grip to pull me along, treat me as I mattered, and Eliyas did that. I didn't have much of a voice among my cousins, but with Eliyas, it felt like my presence mattered so much. 

Iwas tired of always chasing after the feeling of being treated important while beingtaken for granted by my party-going cousins.  We lived together, so there were plans made. I would often be kept out of those plans. This wasn't purposely leaving me out of stuff. I just held the reputation of being happy with my books and isolation. In fact, my shyness had more like labelled my interests. I didn't fit in...so I was better left out. 

Eliyas's attention made me feel so special, belonged and giddy. It was such a fortune of mine that I forgot to weigh its cost. It was the feeling of first love...that heartstopping emotion that just makes you leap. One never looks for the consequences, because those first promises always hit the hardest. Being sensitive, it was easy for me to get obsessed, become super loyal and insanely attached.

I had found the gushy tale people chased after.

I had been gifted such a man. 

My wedding day was a mixture of giddy emotions. I had secretly transferred my stuff to Eliyas's family house a day before and the cash, too. His mother had taken me to a private parlour for makeup, and I guess that should have been the first clue. While getting me ready, his mother had hardly even looked busy. 

"Isn't she gorgeous?" My face had been pushed before a mirror at the parlour, while I smiled at my to-be mother-in-law's sweet words. The make-up artist just smiled. 

"True. Your son is a lucky man."

"He is smart." The strange silence in her tone never strung me in the wrong way. Maybe, because I was just high up on cloud nine, so happy and giddy about my marriage. The elated emotions of marrying Eliyas were dizzily mesmerizing. A bad-boy biker with power, charm and confidence had chosen me. 

Beautiful...he had made me feel beautiful.

My wedding dress was royal blue. And I was gifted two golden bracelets to adorn with them by my mother-in-law. Nora told me that she had those bracelets gifted to her by Eliyas's grandmother and was now passing them on. 

Such a sentimental trap.

I felt guilt for doing this behind my family's back, for not including them in anything right now, but they just didn't understand. Eliyas made me feel happy, confident and beautiful. I would go back to them after proving that this was what I wanted, that I had, for once, fought for myself. I never did that before. No demands, requests, anything...I never said no. 

The parlour was situated in a rusty old building on our neighbouring street. I had left home, and I knew chaos was to begin soon, my search was to begin soon, but before a lot of fingers could raise, I had promised myself that I would go back with new-found strength. My strength and newly gained status would be enough to sway away from the fingers. After all, a married woman in this society had a voice. 

Anyhow, after getting my makeup done, Nora had escorted me to a cheap yellow taxi. This should have been the second clue. I wasn't been protected in any way. I was caked up for the show. Yet, I had only focused on Eliyas's love. My own feeling of adoration. Never believe that it would lead to ruination.