The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 23

You could cut the tension with a knife it was so thick. Every muscle in my body tensed in response.

I had imagined this moment dozens of times.

Late at night, when I was alone with nothing else to think about, I had played out this big revelation in my head, scene by scene.

How I would raise the topic with my dad and he would reassure me that it was all in my head. How he would reassure me that he had no doubts about my paternity at all. Because, no matter what, he was the only dad I knew and the only one I wanted.

Yet, even my imagination hadn't planned for it to go this spectacularly wrong.

I never imagined the utter devastation staring back at me.

Bile rose up my throat as I watched emotions pass over my dad's face, changing so quickly I couldn't figure them out. I swallowed against the burn.

"Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean -."

He held up his hand and I fell silent.

Then, the man beside me visibly deflated. His shoulders slumped as he stared down into his mug of tea as if he could divine the answers to all of his life's problems in the swirls of steam. It was like he had aged twenty years from one second to the next.

Eventually, with his eyes still trained on the steaming mug, he asked, "How did you find out about him?"

I stilled. My fingers clenched around the cup.

No. It can't be.

Despite my attempts to find this elusive man over the past few months, if I was admitting it to myself, it had been a somewhat half-hearted attempt. This was why. Watching my dad crumble, his pain etched clearly upon his face, I knew that in my heart, I had been hoping the clues had all been wrong. That it was all a lie. That she hadn't really done it.

I glanced at Diane. She glared back, her anger so intense it was almost a physical thing. Then, her shoulders slumped as she glanced away.

"I've known for years." Diane admitted reluctantly. "You and Mum were not as discreet as you thought you were. Rosie slept through it all."

My dad winced. "I'm sorry, Diane. I wish you would have told me. I would have -."

Diane shook her head. "It wouldn't have changed what happened."

"Maybe not." He closed his eyes briefly and shook his head, as if he was disappointed in himself. "You shouldn't have had to carry that alone."

"It's okay."

"It's not." He glanced over at me, his eyes taking in all of my features as if it was the last time he was going to see me. "You're my children. Both of you. I'm supposed to protect you from these things."

I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry.

"I found her memory box. The one she always kept on the top shelf." The words spilled out as if I was confessing all of my sins. Maybe I was – only they weren't my sins. My fingers tightened around the mug of tea even though my skin was stinging from the heat. "It was all in there."

Dad's shoulders slumped before he rubbed a hand down his face. "I'm sorry. I never wanted that for you."

"Why are you apologising for her? For this? It's not your fault. It's hers." I pushed my cup away, ignoring the way hot tea slopped over the edge and on to my hand. "I love mum but right now I hate her just a little bit."

"No, don't do that." Dad said firmly. "Don't hate her over this – over me."

Diane snorted. "How can we not? She tore apart out family."