The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 1

The end was coming.

I had known it was inevitable for almost a decade but it had always been a distant intangible thing. It was something I had never let myself dwell upon. After all, who wanted to think about the day they lost their best friend?

Not me.

Still, it didn't matter whether I wanted to face the truth or not. The disease was like that. It came slowly and took a person apart piece by piece until they were only a shadow of their former selves.

I rubbed at the ache in my chest. Staring up at the woman who had raised me from my crouched position as her side, grief clawed at my insides. Taking her hands in mine, Evelyn's fingers were cold and frail. When had that happened?

They clenched around mine. My heart skipped a beat. A brief flare of hope. Did she remember? Or was it just an involuntary reflex?

My mum's mouth lifted on one side into the semblance of a smile. It slid away just as quickly.

A knot formed in my stomach and a heaviness settled into my limbs. As I watched the spark in my mum's eyes fade, hidden behind a fog of confusion as the disease reclaimed its tight grip, I could no longer hide from the truth. Her end was almost here. Death was so close I could feel the chill of its breath on the back of my neck.

My throat burned and my lashes blinked rapidly against the sting of tears. It was hopeless. Her time was running out and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. And yet, in some ways, I had already lost her.

The change was always stark. One moment, it was almost like I had my mum back. She would sit straight backed in her favourite chair, the familiar twinkle of adventure in her eyes. It didn't matter if she could no longer find the right words because, in those moments, we always found a way to communicate. And then, in the next, she was just gone. From one heart beat to the next, it was as if her entire being had been hidden away.

Those glimpses of the woman she had been were precious. They were also becoming fewer and further between. In a futile battle, I tried everything I could to make them last as long as possible, clinging to them like a raft in a storm.

The disease had other ideas. Even now, her entire frame retreated in on itself. Her shoulders slumped and her back became hunched. Her head titled awkwardly on her neck as she slumped into the over-padded cushions of her chair. It was like looking at a stranger. A stranger with my mum's face.

Her fingers twitched in mine as her unfocused gaze drifted absently around the room. I rubbed my thumb across her knuckle soothingly, hoping to ease her transition. As the disease progressed, this part was always the worst. Her reactions were never the same. Sometimes, she was calm and docile. Others, the confusion was enough to turn Evelyn into a fury of fists.

"It's okay," I murmured, breathing easy when she relaxed back into the soft cushions without protest.

When her gaze settled upon the TV, lost in a wordless trance, I gave her hand one last squeeze and allowed myself to retreat. The movement however broke whatever moment she had been lost in.

"Wh-?"

I didn't need to turn to see the furrow between her brows. The foreign slightly slurred sound of her confused speech was enough. I rubbed a hand over my chest. It would never get any easier.

"Good morning, Evelyn," I greeted cheerily, turning to face the older woman. I buried my own distress at the lack of recognition. "Let's get you ready for the day? How does that sound?"

I went through the motions. Brushing her wiry grey hair and applying creams to the dry papery skin of her cheek. Finally, I dropped a kiss on to her mum's head and whispered, "I love you, Mum."