Mercedez 2: Blinding Lights

33

Real

The numbness of my face makes me think that everything that was happening to me the past days is not real. Kahit na sa katunayan ay ang mabining hangin sa terrace ang tanging dahilan kung bakit namamanhid na ang mukha ko.

I slowly lifted the wine glass that I was holding. The right balance of sweetness and bitterness of it that touched my lips made me close my eyes. I only intended to sip on it but one taste led me to gulp it all in one. This tastes like my life!

One moment, it's sweet. The next moment, it's the most bitter thing I would hate to encounter again.

As I swallowed all the sensations and liquid off, my lips quivered. I slowly opened my eyes and I couldn't even get a proper view of the city lights because unshed tears were already coating my eyes at bay.

My world spun for a second. I held unto the rails tight and blew a heavy sigh out of frustration.

How can this happen to me? Again?

Akala ko ba tapos na? I thought I already had it bad years ago only to be slapped by the worse today, huh. I can suffer in every worst way, alright? But, I can never let my children suffer with me!

I was so sure everything was smooth sailing. Little did I know that the captain has already jumped off our ship to go on a journey with someone else using a speed boat. The captain left us sinking into the deep cold ocean. Where currents are so strong. Drowning there will never be a choice for me, kung ako lang, kaso may mga bata... but it was just so hard to swim up to the surface when something is pulling my feet down and my shoulders were heavy from all of these.

My head is spinning, my oxygen's running out that my lungs are almost collapsing. Suddenly, my eyelids won't open. Bubbles were already going out of my mouth as I continue to breathe harder in desperation.

I forced myself to think straight.

My kids. Right! My children!

Mabilis kong itinaas ang mga kamay at kumapa para umahon. Napabangon ako. When I inhaled oxygen, I desperately filled my lungs with it at unti unting huminga nang malalim. My chest was rising and falling fast as I try to calm down my breathing. The air flowing from my nose and mouth, sent me chills. The sensation of relief and fear crept through my spine.

I almost died.

I looked around and realized I was in the bathroom. I was wearing nothing and was covered with bubbles in the bath tub. I was... taking a bath.

How did I get here?

The last time I remember, I was at the terrace sipping on my glass of wine.

Napasapo ako sa mukha at paulit ulit na naghilamos para tuluyang magising ang sarili.

Oh my goodness.

Did I just try to kill myself without me knowing? Was I unconscious? Intoxicated? Oh gosh...

My hand started shaking as everything then dawned to me. No... I did not just do that.

Nagsitayuan ang aking balahibo.

Sa takot ay mabilis akong umalis sa tub. I stayed away from it as if it was a deadly virus. Muntikan pa akong madulas. Buti nalang at nakakapit ako kaagad sa glass wall ng shower.

I took a deep breath and drained the tub.

When I went in to have a hot rinse, I broke down.

Paano nalang kung hindi ako nagising?! Paano kung hindi ko iyon namalayan?! I could have died! I could have... Oh God... I will never do this to my children! I almost - I almost lost my life unconsciously.