Questions?

New Feelings

I was now starting to have those feelings again about who I thought I was. I didn't feel right, I didn't feel like the label attached was who reflected me it was more of weight pulling me down convincing I dislike both genders. Ever since I was little I didn't take interest in boys and girls only because I was more interested in volleyball, brownies, swimming and playing with my friends. I kind of forgot the whole boy thing and my feelings remained neutral.
As a 14 year old I had began to reflect over the feelings I had felt and I realised sexuality wasn't the only thing I battled with from a young age but in fact I struggled with gender identity, growing up I wasn't a stereotypical girl from the age of two my fashion sense was always atrocious. When I was two I was dressed in duck leggings, green fleece, bum bag, socks and sandals. You what socks and bloody sandals my mam needs to call the fashion police, I can't believe she actually dressed me like that, but from then onwards my fashion sense didn't improve, sweatshirts, hoodies, football tops. I was part of a boys football team when I was about six so this is where my football fashion came in handy (not).

But when you remove all the none stereotype of a girl underneath was a scared girl. I didn't really realise at the time but at 14 I discovered that I was battling with gender confusion? I wasn't really sure what gender I considered myself as I didn't really think gender and sex was different . I didn't really think oh Yeh I'm transgender at 7 years old but I did wish I was boy inside, then when I hit puberty I remember thinking this is wrong.

Up until this point I was unable to explain these feelings I was having as I didn't even know about lgbtq let alone that the t stood for transgender. As I grew older and joined secondary school these feelings changed but I remember as a seven year old being unable to explain or to understand the feelings you are having and not knowing whether you are alone or not.

I wouldn't consider myself as particularly brave or strong but reflecting on those feelings of not knowing whether or not I was boy or a girl seem pretty difficult for someone of that age and I would consider myself strong for that!

I had now come to realise that I wasn't asexual and I did find people sexually attractive. I dated a boy named Charlie and honestly I was only with him a month but silly old me obsessed over him, we both did charity work together and after cutting my hair off for charity and in the middle of North Wales he 'dumped me' he sent me a long winded text about how he just wanted to be friends (never happened) and typical 14 year old me decided to write status' as if I ha broken up with my husband or something one status I remember clearly was writing the lyrics "What doesn't kill you makes you strong" by Kelly Clarkson. The way I was going on was absolutely awful I apologise Charlie.

Before that in y5-7 i dated this boy named Joseph, so Charlie wasn't my first boyfriend so this made me realise I must have always had a connection with men. Joseph was a lovely boy but he asked my to be his girlfriend in the back of his car with his mam there and I didn't dare turn down the offer, we had been good friends from about the age of 5; we used to go to the library once a week to reading club and then I felt awful to say no. But it took me two years to break up with him because I didn't want to bloody upset his feelings.

Because I had dated a boy after convincing myself I was asexual I began to realise I started to have some sort of feelings for girls I realised actually I am bisexual, yes I bloody labelled myself again. This label pretty much stayed put for a while, as yes I did know I liked men otherwise I wouldn't have dated one and I liked women. And this was the start to my life as a bisexual girl...