Someone I used to know

What happened?

After I ran down the stairs of the Astronomy tower, I hid underneath it, until I knew Mattheo was gone. I knew he would run after me and I wouldn't be quick enough to outrun him, so I had to hide. While hiding, I started thinking about the conversation. How did he remember about what I said about the stars, but not about everything else? And why did I tell him that he doesn't remember?! Now he will find a way to remember everything. I started to spiral a bit, so I ran back to my dormroom to talk to Pansy. I ran into the room and Pansy gave a small scream, because she got scared. I didn't even notice at first, because I just started talking. 'I think Mattheo, is starting to figure out who I am.' 'What? What are you talking about, Y/N?' Pansy said. 'I think Mattheo is starting to figure out who I am.' I repeated. 'Why do you think that?' 'Well we bumped into eachother earlier today and he just looked at me a bit too long and after that he wanted to talk. I said I had to go and walked away, so I didn't have to talk to him about anything. But, then tonight when I was at the Astronomy tower, he was there as well. He remembered part of our last conversation, before I left his house all those years ago. Back then, I told him to look at the stars if he missed me and pretend that I was standing next to him. And now he told me, he remembered something about looking at the stars and how that would help him, after he bumped into me this morning. So, I think he's slowly starting to remember everything.' I started pacing the room while talking, because I was getting nervous. If he knows, who I am, he will soon figure out what happened that night as well. 'Y/N, isn't it a good thing if he remembers?' 'No, Pansy. It isn't.' 'Why not? Why is it so bad that he remembers you?' 'Because, if he remembers me, he will figure out what happened that night. He will figure out his father  did something and he will go to his father. And there's no telling what Voldemort will do if he knows that Mattheo remembers everything and that I'm here.' 'You really think he will go to his father if he knows, that that could turn out unsafe for either of you?' 'Pansy, you and I both know how Mattheo is, when he gets angry. Rage makes him blind and he will do anything to confront or hurt someone who has hurt someone he cares about.' 'Maybe, you're right, but if you guys just talk about it, maybe it will be okay. Maybe he won't go to his father and you guys can just be friends again.' 'We can't Pansy. Even if Mattheo doesn't go to his father, his father will somehow figure it out if we're friends again. I'm sure of it.' 'It'll be okay, Y/N.' 'I hope so, but I'm not too sure about it.' I was still on my nerves from everything, so I decided to just get some fresh air before heading to bed. 

I walked out of the room and into the courtyard. I sat down on a bench and just took some deep breaths. I was sitting there for about ten minutes, before I heard someone behind me. 'You're Y/N Parkinson.' I turned around to see Mattheo walking towards me. 'That's my name, yes.' I said to Mattheo. I was starting to get nervous. I hope this conversation is not going to lead to what I think it is, but I guess I can't get out of it anymore. 'You know...' Mattheo started. 'I used to have a best friend when I was a kid.' No.... He remembers. He must remember, otherwise he wouldn't start about that. 'I didn't know that.' I said. 'I think you do.' He said back. 'Why would I know that? I barely know you, Mattheo.' 'You know that, because you were that best friend.' 'What do you mean? Ofcourse I'm not.' 'Just stop that Y/N. I know you were the girl I was best friends with when I was younger.' I kept quiet, not knowing what to say. 'The only thing I don't know, is why you left.' 'I don't know, what to say Mattheo.' 'Just tell me what happened that day. The last time we saw eachother. What happened that made you leave and never come back?' 'I can't' 'Why not?!' He yelled it a bit. I know it must be frustrating for him to not know the whole story, but I really can't tell him. 'Because it's not safe for you to know, Mattheo.' 'I can take care of myself, Y/N! So tell me! What happened?!' 'No.' It's all I could say. 'Tell me! Did I do something wrong?!' 'No, you didn't.' 'Then why did you leave? It broke my heart, when my dad told me you wouldn't come back. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT ME?!' 'IT HURT ME TOO YOU KNOW!' I started to get frustrated as well. Does he not understand it hurt me like hell to leave him, to never come back, to leave my best friend and my family? 'It still does. Every time I look at you, I hurt again, Mattheo. You got the chance to forget about me. But, I... I had to live every single day knowing that you were out there, but that I couldn't be close to you!' 'WHY NOT?! WHAT HELD YOU BACK?! JUST TELL ME!' 'YOUR FATHER!' Shit! I... I... fucked up! I shouldn't have said that! 'What?!' Mattheo said quietly, but confused. 'Nothing.' I said hoping, he maybe didn't quite hear what I said. 'No, don't backtrack now! You said my father. What did my father do?!' 'Nothing.' I said once again. I already gave away too much. I shouldn't have said his father, but I can't take that back. Now I can only still protect him from knowing what his father did. 'What did he do to you, Y/N?!' 'I can't tell you... and you can't ask him. Please don't ask him.' I said with tears in my eyes. 'Why can't I, Y/N?!' 'Because, then he will know that I broke my promise to never talk to you again. And if he knows that... I... it... it won't be safe anymore.' 'What do you mean? What won't be safe anymore?' 'I'm sorry Mattheo, but I really can't tell you. Please, let it go.' Tears started to slowly fall out of my eyes, while I was looking at him. He didn't say anything anymore. He just walked over to me and held me in a tight hug. 'It will be okay, Y/N.' He whispered in my ear. This was the first time in years that I felt completely safe. I was in his arms again and everything felt right for a second. 

Only, after a couple minutes I realised that this couldn't happen. We can't become close again. I slowly got out of Mattheo's hug and just looked at him. 'What's wrong, Y/N?' 'This... This can't happen. We can't become this close again. I'm sorry.' 'It's okay.' 'I'm so sorry, Mattheo.' I started crying softly again, while walking away from him. I walked back to my dormroom and just laid on my bed. Pansy was already sleeping, so I tried not to wake her up with my crying. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Everything I've ever wanted ever since that day is within sight, but still so far away. This feels worse than being stuck at Beauxbatons not knowing how Mattheo is. While thinking about everything, I ended up falling asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, it was a sunday. That meant that I didn't have any classes, which also meant that I could do anything I want. I needed to get out of this place for a little while, so I decided to go for a long broomride today. I got up at 7 in the morning and got immediately ready. At 7.15 I was ready to get out of the door, when Pansy woke up. 'Where are you going, Y/N?' She asked me. 'I don't know, Pansy. But, I have to get out of here for the day. I'll be back in time for dinner, okay?' 'Okay. Please be safe.' 'Always.' I walked over to the pantry in the commonroom to get a quick snack, before heading out of the castle to grab my broom. The sun was slowly starting to rise, so once I got on my broom, I could see the sun rise through the clouds. It was going to be a beautiful day, weatherwise. 

I flew over the Forbidden Forest and the Great Lake, past a lot of rural field towards the sea. Once I reached the sea and beach, I got off my broom and sat down at the water. I sat there for about two hours just looking out over the water. It was quiet. The water had no cares in the world and could always go its own way. I wish I could do that too. 

After the two hours, I realised it was getting late and I still needed to fly back, before dinnertime. So, I got back on my broom and flew back to Hogwarts. Back to my problems.