Acknowledging the disgust.

• taking that leap of faith •

He was shocked. I mean, I am too right now. I would've never imagined kissing a guy, at all. And then he happened and all I wanted to do was be close to him. No, not in the that sense. In a pure sense. I wanted to be close to him in his pain and see him smile. I wanted to grow with him, celebrate our victories together, build a future and a family with him. But intimacy? Physical intimacy? Not my cup of tea. A lot of people even today, feel kissing someone before marriage is being shameless. Yes, they can have whatever opinions they want to have. I do not really judge them. After all we live in a society that always shies away from discussing intimacy and having healthy conversations about raging hormones and revolutionary teenage years. But I do not believe that kissing someone only comes from lust. Sometimes, the kiss says things words can never do. It conveys love the way words never can. It gives the security we need. It gives strength. And no, I am not making this up just to justify my kiss but to let people know pure emotions can be conveyed physically and there's nothing wrong in it but when physical intimacy is the only thing that exists then you better safeguard your heart.

Anyway, back to kiss!!! He was too shocked to respond. This guy just froze and he literally stood still. So much so that he wasn't even breathing and I didn't want to back off today. So, I nudged him because I wanted him to start breathing but more so I wanted him to respond to me. I wasn't the only one wanting this. Was I? I initiate it and now he doesn't even have the decency of carrying it forward? I know he wants to and he's just too shocked to react but hey!! A lady has the right to complain about her man. And as soon as I nudged him, he let out a breath of air as if he were holding it for ages. I chuckled still glued to him and now, I could feel him smile. I knew he was back to his senses and now I had to brace myself. Because I had invoked something that had always been his desire. A desire which will burn everything down to just warm me up. He began responding. He guided me. he held me. he taught me. He gave rise to emotions I never knew I could feel and he made me think of things I never knew I could think of. It was scary because as much as it was good, it was real. All of this was real and reality is not always fiction. Reality has consequences, dire consequences. But you know what? The panic I felt didn't stand any chance against the love I had, the passion that consumed us and the desires that were building within. With each second, my grip on him just grew and so did his. We were breaking rules. We were doing things we never thought we would. But it felt good. It felt freeing. I didn't feel guilty because I knew my love, his love and I knew our love. It wasn't just about this kiss but it was so much more than that and I proud of it. I am proud of the love we share, the trust we have, the loyalty we show and the devotion we harbour for each other. As good as it would feel to be in that kiss forever, it wasn't possible. We had to break it off and stopping only made us realise how much we wanted to continue. But we couldn't. Could we? And naturally as we were done, there was no way I could face him and so there I was glued to him with my face buried in his chest listening to his raging heartbeats trying to calm down mine. I knew his eyes were closed too. We both needed things to cool down a bit. And so, we decided to just be there with each other, holding each other. My thirst was long forgotten. I don't know if it was the kiss, or the effect of the kiss. But hey!! Whatever it was I am not complaining. I could feel him pulling me more into himself and I couldn't deny the warmth and the comfort but also, I couldn't deny that the clock was ricking and we still had things to talk about. I mean he still has to say so much, share his pain. I reluctantly started to pull off and his grip only got stronger if it was possible. But we both knew we didn't have the luxury of forever. So, we both let go and still I wasn't able to look him in the eyes while he was staring at me intensely not burning a hole through my soul but caressing it with his softness. His gazes can be intense but they are never uncomfortable, they are never aggressive. They always give me peace, help me relax. And they are always directed at me. he knew I wouldn't look at him, that easy and so he continued speaking. Because we both know it was very important to get rid of our pain before we continue anything any further.