Acknowledging the disgust.

listening to what his heart has to say

I know the pain we have both felt in this relationship, the heartbreaks we've experienced together and away from each other is not anything like what we had expected. You know when I realized my love for you, I felt that wanting to see you smile would make everything right for us, and then when you smiled, when you forgave me, I wanted us to be together. I was already yours and would've remained that way always but I wanted us to go back to our old selves. And then when you reciprocated my feelings again, it felt like we had seen it all now. And then, my nanu.. My.. My nanu, the only person other than you who I could connect to. The one who happened to be my mother, father, my best friend, the only person I found my solace in other than you and my best friends left and there could've been nothing worse than that. Trust me, the moment I came back to my senses I might have been in Delhi, away from you physically but my heart. It was never away. The first and only person I wanted was you and it will always be you. I knew only you could bring back the old me and I knew my nanu would find peace seeing us together. But I guess, it was just too late. I couldn't go back to you but I knew I had brought you in me, with me. But still, I needed to talk to you, see you. I needed you, god dammit. But there wasn't a single person who I could tell that to, or who would've understood that. I had to stay shut even though all I wanted to do was scream, scream for my nanu, scream to go to you."

As he finished just a chunk of what his heart had always wanted to say, he looked at me with an intensity unparalleled. I wanted to hug him and let him cry over my shoulders. But I knew we couldn't afford to stop talking today. We both have dealt with out pain through ignorance, but now it is time to face it head on, with each other, by each other's side, for us. All I did, was just hold his hand as tight as I could. Our hands together meant we could win the world, no matter what. He took in a deep breathe before continuing –

"There I had to start a new life, knowing I am already missing out so much on the good life I had built. I craved to be with you and so, I didn't want to compromise there. I didn't want them to tolerate me, because I didn't want to be there. I did all sorts of bad things, like all sorts of. You cannot imagine of and ones who could never forgive me for. I didn't cheat you by being with someone else but I cheated on you by letting go of the promises I had made, by compromising the ideals and principles we had shared. I wanted to find solace away from the house and I ended up landing in an even worse situation. Then, my best friends came around and they showed me my path, they guided me, they were the ones why I had come back on track and behind them was you. You had done everything in your power to not only resort the fight my best friends had in between them but also, you trusted in me. You knew they would end their fight once we were together. You had so much faith in me while I was busy setting the trust we had on fire. But I am so glad my friends bailed me out. You bailed all of us out."

He looked at me with that immense regret and a haunting guilt and I knew he was indeed sorry. I didn't want us to get back into another fight over something that happened in his weak moments, in moments where I was just so devastated for him. I could only imagine how lonely and devastated he must have felt. he could read my eyes. He knew I trusted him. He knew I wouldn't question any further. And there was a sense of relief washing over his features. I held on to him a little tighter. I wanted him to know that we were in this together. He closed his eyes and began again –

"And then, I got an opportunity to meet you when I found so much cash in my hand and all I wanted to do was run to you. I didn't think of what would happen if I were to get caught, or what would they blame me for. I just knew what I wanted and I went for it. And I reached Ahemdabad and there you were waiting for me, looking as lovely as I imagined you to be; seeming as desperate as I knew you'd be. And then, the moment I saw you picture which you clicked I felt so freaking happy but the very next moment I remembered something I should've let go of. But you know how possessive I am when it gets to you. I didn't want anyone else to even look at you, let alone touch you. My anger got the better of me, again, like it always does and I ended up ruining one of the best moments that was to happen to you, to me, to us and the regret I carry in my heart even today over that matter is immense. I didn't want to react the way I did. I knew how shattered you'd be but I bloody still can't control. But once, I realised what I had done, I realised that you were the one genuine person I could always go to, the one person I always wanted to go to I knew I had screwed things all over again. But I also knew you would be there waiting for me, desperate but helpless and I called you the moment I realised what I had done. And I was right. You were there, even after I left you broken you were still there. In fact, you are still here and I cannot thank you enough for that. The conservation we had that day was one of the best conversations we have ever had and we will ever have. You motivated me. you gave me a reason to be the better person, to win over my 'family's' hearts. You gave me a reason to not go back to the dark place I was before you entered my life. You showed me the strength of our love and the commitment we had was always going to be there. And I love you. Not only for that. But for simply existing."