"I enjoyed every bit of the performance. Um, correction, your performance" I chuckled. "and the dance. Breath-taking. I was just thinking how did I, who once never felt loved, who was never heard earlier turn so lucky? I was constantly questioning my fate. You are an angel and I have you? like for real. And trust me I had no regrets seeing you in the play. I never for once thought that I didn't get the part but you did. I thoroughly loved all of it. But then" I could feel his fists tightening and his grasp getting tighter around me and I understood he was having flashbacks. I shuddered because I felt disgusted too. I felt violated too. But then, at that moment there wasn't anything that I could've done. And as I tried to wash off the memories of the unwanted hug, I felt him rubbing my back, soothing me down, trying to take away all my pain and hurt and disgust. And at that very instance, I felt peace. I knew I was with the right person at the right time at the right place and so nothing else mattered. I let out a shaky breath. "The moment I saw you in his embrace, I couldn't see anything else but only red. Trust me, there was a voice at the back of my mind trying to calm me down, talk sense into me, telling me to listen to you. But my impulsive self, it kicked in, it felt betrayed, it felt lost, it felt so miserable, so violated. I wanted to come to you, I wanted to wrap my arms around you but I couldn't. all I could think of was the hug that I carved for since years, I didn't get but that bastard, he had it in seconds. In seconds? In a play. I knew there wasn't anything wrong from your side but I couldn't see the love of my life, my present, my future in someone else's arms and like the coward I am, I decided to not face you, to not confront you, to run away from you. It was hurt more than anger, it was insecurity more than jealousy, it was possession more than control. I didn't know what to tell you or how to tell you what I felt. What would I say? 'I know you weren't at fault and yet I am punishing you because I am that possessive and insecure?' or 'you know I have my own fears and so I am letting them gain control over me. So, I won't talk to you' I couldn't say these things. But you. You are the bravest. You came to me every time, tried to explain things to me. Tried to get me to listen. You were always a warrior, my love. Always. You fought for me against yourself and I couldn't fight for you against my own demons. Every time I gave in to my anger, my fears, my insecurities knowing well that you will never let go of me, let go of us. I know I must've have given of the impression that I don't trust you or I am angry with you but I was confused with myself. I always trusted you. I'll always trust you. But I couldn't trust myself. I knew you were hurting too. And I am so sorry for not thinking about you. I want you to just know that I didn't doubt you at all. I just was angry with the situation, with that bastard. I know it might seem as if I am trying to redirect the entire blame on the situation but I am not. I genuinely felt this way. Trust me."
With every word his voice grew soft. With every sentence it started fading into whispers and I knew he thought I wouldn't trust him. But I know the love of my life. I know he didn't doubt me. But I was still angry at him for not giving me a chance to explain, for not coming to me and clearing our misunderstandings. I know how much our relationship means to him. How much I mean to him. And so, I tightened my grip further if it were possible. We both had our hearts spoken out today. We both longed to let go of the feelings confined in our souls and tormenting us. And the best part was we did it with each other, to each other, by each other's side. I never thought revisiting painful experiences could be this beautiful. Once, when I had my first heartbreak with this very guy in my arms, I had vented all my pain to him. I had cried. I had showed my true emotions. I had gathered the courage to face him. But that time, it was painful. Yes, it felt light but it was torturous. But today, it felt so different. Yes, we had pain in every word we spoke but every bit of our pain was soothed with love, with understanding and friendship. Yes, friendship. We are always friends first and lovers after that. We can always talk to the other without the fear of judgements, without any worry of feeling lonely, without having to form proper coherent sentences because our eyes speak to each other and when they speak, we listen – patiently and willingly. We were both a mess but we were a mess in each other's arms, by each other's shade and that was perfect.
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Acknowledging the disgust.
قصص الهواةIn the world, where we come to feel safe and experiences things collectively supporting others, we loose our soul mission and are invested in the worldly norms. One of them being, girls feeling always picked on, always on the run, always on the look...
