Siren In The Sky // Bradley Bradshaw

Chapter 11

I've successfully avoided my dad for most of the week. By the time Thursday rolls around, however, I can't make up any more excuses. 

"Selene, we have to talk. You can't avoid me forever." I sigh as I close the front door behind me. I did not need this as soon as I got home. "Watch me," I grumble under my breath. He gives me that one fatherly stare that every dad seems to know. "Fine."

I push past him and sit at the table. Crossing my arms I lean back and stare at him. "Start." He pulls out the chair across from me and takes a seat. "I'm sorry." I simply stare at him. I've wanted to hear those words my whole life. But, now, it feels too little too late. "I appreciate your apology, Mav. But I can't just pretend that we didn't talk for 10 years. I feel like it's expected that I forgive you, from everyone. Because we're family- because we're all the other has left.  The protagonist is always the bigger person and forgives the people who hurt her. But why am I the bad guy if I don't?"

"You're not the bad guy." It's weird watching him sit in his seat, at this table. Loud family dinners and laughter are only a mere memory from a different life. "It hurt me. You hurt me, dad. I never wanted to end up like this. Like strangers. But you don't know me anymore. The little girl that you're chasing is a ghost."

He is silent. Looking at me for the first time for what I really am, a stranger. All of a sudden I'm overcome with anger. The feeling burrows in my chest and spreads through my veins. I'm so unbelievably angry. I'm angry at him. I'm angry that I lost my leg. I'm angry at the world and everything in it. I'm so angry that it exauhsts me- that I wish to scream and and have tears spring to my eyes. Anything to release this pain in my chest. And most of all I'm angry at myself. That I let myself repeatedly be a victim of circumstance. But it's not my fault. I swear to whatever god is out there it's not my fault. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve any of it. 

But he doesn't see any of that. He sees an expressionless face sitting in the chair across from him. Waiting for him to speak. He doesn't see the rage bubbling underneath the surface. 

"I know you've changed," Mav speaks. "I know that you aren't 16 anymore. But, I want to know you again. I'm so deeply sorry. I'm sorry that I left when you needed me. I'm sorry for the things I said. I was so overwhelmed with my own grief that it blinded me to yours. You deserved better."

I did deserve better.

"I know I can never make up for that. And you don't have to forgive me for anything. All I ask for is a chance to try and fix this. I can't change the past but I can do better now. I can and I will. I am here this time." I think the worst part about being hurt by people, is that you still care about them. Caring about them is what lets them hurt you in the first place. Watching my dads desperate eyes and hearing his pleading voice makes me feel guilty. Like I'm the one hurting him. However, I am just a product of his own actions. His own mistakes. 

Turn it off, my mind whispers to me. I want to. I want to so bad. Disassociate until that feeling of loneliness in my stomach fades. Until I feel nothing. To push everyone away so they don't get the chance to do it first. I've always battled with myself over this. Leave or be left. It's like its a predisposition in my brain that these are the only two outcomes. But I don't want to keep living like that. I want to go out with a well used heart. Maybe I cared too much or loved to hard. Maybe I get hurt easily. But I don't want to end this life being indifferent. If I do, what was the point of living it in the first place?

So I swallow the urge. I don't turn it off.

"Okay." 

"Okay?" Mav asks hopefully, eyebrows raised in surprise.

"I'm not saying we can jump right in where we left off. But, I'm willing to work on it. I-I want my dad back just as much as you want your daughter back. I don't forgive you, yet, but I will give you the chance to be better this time." I say the words, but inside I'm desperate. Begging in my mind. Please don't hurt me again. Please don't let this be a mistake. "Really?" Mav asks, eyes shining and glossed over. I take a big breath. 

"Really."

A/N Short chapter but I felt like this should stand on its own. There will be another update tomorrow and Bradley gets back from the mission! Also shout out to everyone that comments b/c they are genuinely so funny to read. Y'all are comedians I stg. And thank you for sticking with this book. It's kind of crazy I started this 6 months ago and how far it's come. Thank you and love you all!!