Siren In The Sky // Bradley Bradshaw

Chapter 9

TRIGGER WARNING- SELF HARM    I will put *** where it begins and ends.

I laugh in his face, waiting for him to join in. When he doesn't I can practically feel my eyes widen in disbelief. "You did WHAT?!" He winces and I take a deep breath rubbing my temples. "It's fine. I'll just call him and tell him you were out of your mind," I mutter.  Bradley's eyes snap to me. "You will do no such thing." 

My eyebrows raise and I cross my arms at his tone. "And why the hell not?" I interrogate with a glare. He mirrors my stance and crosses his arms, shooting his own glare back. "You are not staying here alone for a week." He says it firmly, like there is no room for argument. Well I hate to break it to you Bradshaw, but I will be arguing. "If you haven't noticed, I'm an adult. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I can walk again- I'm fine! If I have trouble with something then I can call Striker." Bradley doesn't even listen to my words, shaking his head no while I'm talking. 

"This isn't about your leg and you know it," he says pointedly. "I don't know what you're talking about," I say defiantly. "You're panick attacks? You're night terrors? You think I don't know you refuse to sleep?! I've got a mission to do and I don't want to spend the entire week worrying that you're going to hurt yourself!" I'm caught off guard for a moment before I return to my defensive stance. He knows. I don't know how, but he knows that my eyes linger a little to long on the razor blade. "I'm not going to hurt myself. You're being rediculous!" Lies. 

He laughs, no trace of humor is found in it. "I'm being rediculous? You're the one throwing a tantrum about seeing you're father." My face hardens at his words and I point a finger at him. "You have no right." I say it lowly. My voice steely and cold. He swallows thickly and sighs, running his palm down his face. "I shouldn't have said that. But, he's still coming over whether you like it or not." He turns back to his bag and roughly shoves the last of his clothes into it before zipping it up. 

I throw my hands in the air exasperated. "Why can't Regina just come over for the week!" He slings the duffel over his shoulder and makes his way out of the room. I follow him down the stairs to the kitchen and continue talking. "If she comes over than you can chill out and I don't have to see my father. It's a win-win." 

"No." I grab his shoulder and turn him around to stop his walking. "What do you mean, no? You're not in charge of me!" I can see his patience wearing thin right in front of my eyes. "Because I know you're going to convince her that your fine a day or two from now and she's going to go back to her house. The answer is no. You'll be just fine with your father for a few days." He turns his back to me to head towards the door. "But-" I start. 

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" He roars, turning around so fast I have to take a step back. "You want me to stay home from missions??" He asks it rhetorically, rage evident in his demeanor. "NEWS FLASH! As much as you prance around pretending you're fine and everything is great, you lost your fucking leg. Get it through your thick head." He points at my head and I feel like my mouth has been sewn shut. "You're not a fighter pilot anymore! And we still have fucking bills to pay! The whole world doesn't stop turning for you, Selene! I feel like I'm working two jobs- one with the navy and one just trying to take care of you!"

I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me and I fight the tears stinging my eyes. Every thought I've been trying to suppress rushes through my head.

You're a burden to him.

He's been forced to take care of you.

He doesn't want this.

You're worthless.

You're nothing.

Bradley's face falls. Whether it's from the words he said or the look on my face, I don't know. "I didn't mean that." He has regret in his voice and pleading eyes. "But you did." My voice comes out quiet, barely above a whisper. My eyes zone out on the space next to him. I can't look him in the eye. I wrap my arms around myself. How could I do this to him? He doesn't deserve this. "It's fine. You're right, I'm being selfish." "No, you're not-" It's okay, really." I cut him off. "You need to get going." I can hear the strain in my voice.

He checks his watch and sighs. I can see him battling with himself. Wanting to stay but needing to go. "We'll talk about this when I get back." I only nod, my lips zipped shut. "I-I love you." He says it hopefully, like he's hoping I'll say it back. I finally meet his eyes again, giving him a weak tight lipped smile. "I love you too." As I say the words one stubborn tear manages to escape. The wet trail sliding down my cheek blows my cover. Bradley's eyebrows are drawn together, pain and concern sweeping off him in waves. He makes his way to me, cupping my face and wiping it away with his thumb. With one last lingering kiss on my forehead, he leaves.

***

I stand in the silent kitchen for a moment. My arms still wrapped around myself, seemingly holding me together. I make my way to the upstairs bathroom almost in a trance. Grabbing my razor I stare at it unblinckingly, my mind empty. I debate for a moment. I can't do my wrists, that's the first place he'll check. My thighs. Nodding to myself in approval I begin. The pain isn't s sharp as I thought, more a pinch or a scrape. After three long stripes of red in my skin I stare at it. The blood pools and clots, and I watch in fascination as it begins to trail down my legs. I don't cry, I don't anything really. I'm numb. 

***

After snapping out my daze I clean it up and throw a bandage on it while it continues to bleed. Throwing on a pair of sweats to cover it I feel the satisfying burn and tingle of the skin for the rest of the night. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like I'm just looking through myself. Like there's nobody there. Maybe there isn't. 

My eyes catch the silver chain under my shirt. Pulling it out I fiddle with the necklace Bradley gave me for my 24th birthday. Guilt sweeps through me. "I'm sorry, baby," I whisper, like the necklace is him. "You deserve so much better."