Siren In The Sky // Bradley Bradshaw

Chapter 8

A few weeks have gone by and I've finished physical therapy. Unfortunately, leave is over. I know I turned in my wings and I know I can't fly anymore. I know that. But I don't think I truly processed it until now. I don't think I processed a lot of things until now.

It was easy to just feel like I'm taking a break when everyone I knew was also. But now Bradley, Hangman, Pheonix, Omaha... they're back in the air. And me... I'm stuck on the ground. Trapped. I'm slowly loosing my mind in an achingly beautiful but equally heartbreaking way. The phantom pain comes and goes, some more intense than others. Last week Bradley came home to me stabbing my prosthetic and crying, begging for it to stop. I feel so out of control and I don't know how to handle it. 

My anxiety has skyrocketed to a height it has never been before. I'm overwhelmed by night terrors of that mission. The most frequent one is me laying in the cold snow, a parachute stuffed in my mouth and four arms holding me down as my father removes the pole from my leg. In every nightmare I feel each second of excruciating pain that I felt that day. 

It's haunting me. 

I usually wake up to a scared to death looking Bradley shaking me awake. The first time it happened he told me I was screaming. 

And the bath tub. I was so relaxed one night that I fell asleep in it. Then suddenly I was back in the ocean. Staring at the sky as I slowly bled out, the waves lapping against my sides. I haven't gotten back in since.

I can't do this anymore. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm scared to sleep. I close my eyes until Bradley falls asleep and then I sit up and stare out the window until morning comes. I can only fall asleep when I'm so tired that my body can't keep going or else I jerk myself awake over and over again.

 I know it's tearing Bradley apart, and I feel so guilty that he has to deal with it. I also know I've been a complete bitch lately. I've been snapping at him everytime he mentions going to therapy even though I know he's trying to help. I don't have anything against therapy, I used to go. When I was 16 and on my own, my anxiety was so incredibly bad. It helped, it really did. But now, everytime therapy is brought up I feel like the past 10 years never happened, and I'm that 16 year old girl all over again. The one who came home to an empty house every night and had panic attacks on the bathroom floor. The only difference is that now I have someone sitting on the bathroom floor with me.

"Hey, Selene. What about this one?" I rapidly blink my tired eyes, zoning back in. Regina is in front of me holding up the 20th wedding dress she's shown me. I try to hold back the grimance on my face. It's poofy, really poofy. "Strike, you're having a beach wedding. Do you really want to haul this train through the sand?" She looks at it again, contemplating my words, before sighing. "You're right."

I furrow my eye brows. "What's wrong?" I ask. "I don't know. I just thought I would've found a dress by now." She hangs the dress up and takes a seat on the bench. "And the wedding, the flowers, the reception. I can barely pick where to eat or what movie to watch. I'm indecisive as hell." I chuckle and take a seat next to her. "Don't I know it. Remember when we got our first house together? 'Selene, we should paint this room yellow-actually we should paint it pink. No wait, we should do orange!'" I tease in a high pitched voice, making fun of her. Regina shoves my shoulder and laughs. "I do not sound like that!" I give her a look. "You totally do."

Her laughter fizzles out and she sighs. "I just don't want to mess it up." I observe her for a moment. "The wedding or being a mom?" When she glances up at me and I see her face, I knew I guessed correctly. "You're going to be a great mom, Regina." I say rubbing her arm. She buries her face in her hands and groans. "I have no idea what I'm doing." I chuckle. "I'm pretty sure no parent knows what they're doing when they have their first kid. And you have Neil, Bradley and I will be down the road, your mom a phone call away. Plus isn't Neil the oldest of like 8 kids?" She nods and I shoot her an incredious look. "Then I think your man has some idea on how this goes." She laughs. "You're right." I stand up and tug her hand towards the exit of the store. "Come on, I need a food break before we keep looking."

When Regina finally drops me off at the end of the night, I'm relieved. Wedding dress shopping and hanging out with her was fun but I'm not used to walking so much and my leg hurts like a bitch. I unlock the door and my whole body relaxes once I'm inside. "Bradley? I'm home!" I call out. "I'm upstairs!" I hear back. I limp my way to the staircase and lean on the railing to make my way up. I just want to take this thing off and relax and- "FUCK!" My leg buckled and I fell down a few stairs. Luckily my hold on the railing was strong enough that I didn't tumble down the whole thing. 

I hear footsteps running and Bradley appears next to me. "Are you okay?" his concerned eyes scan over me. "I'm fine, sorry for screaming. It just surprised me." He grabs my arms and helps me up. "What happened?" I keep my weight on my good leg when I stand. "I think it's because I've been walking all day and my leg isn't used to it." He makes an 'ah' face and helps me up the rest of the stairs. 

When I'm seated on the bed I notice the folded clothes next to his duffle bag. "Are you going somewhere?" I question. He purses his lips and continues throwing clothes in his bag. "Yeah, I was going to tell you when you got in. I've got a mission and will be gone for a week." I pout. "Aw, when do you leave?" He still doesn't look at me and continues packing. "Tonight, actually." My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Oh, that sucks." When he doesn't say anything I eye him warily. 

"Why won't you look at me?" His hands freeze for a moment before he continues packing. "What?" I frown at his fake oblivious answer. "Why won't you look at me? What are you hiding?" He pauses and finally glances at me quickly before looking back down. "What makes you think I'm hiding something?" I cross my arms and give him an unimpressed look. "Because I know you and I know that when you can't look me in the eye you are either lying or hiding something. Judging by the clothes you are packing I can rule out lying, so what are you hiding?"

Bradley stops packing and rubs his hands over his face with a groan. "I swear to god you have super powers," he mutters. I snicker before my face falls with realization. "Is the mission dangerous? Is that what you're hiding? Because you don't want me to worry? How dangerous is it? What are you-" Bradley grabs my hands and stops my frantic questions with a kiss. "It's just a routine mission, I'll be fine." I search his brown eyes and when I see that he's telling the truth my body sags in relief. 

"Wait then what are you hiding?" I frown. He pulls away and hesitates before blowing out a breath. He cringes as he says,

"I called your dad to stay with you for the week."