If Only, If Only

Hello, Caveman

After a couple days of digging Stanley, found something. Or at least he thought he did.

As Mom finished filling the canteens, Stanley came up to him.

"Found something," Stanley proudly gave Mom the flat rock he had been holding. "It's a fossil,".

"Well that's interesting," Mom said flatly as he glanced at the rock.

"Do I get a day off?" Stanley asked, sounding annoyed with Mom's slow reaction.

"What?"

"That's what Mr. Sir said. He said that, uh, if I found something interesting, I get the day off." Stanley explained. By now all of D-Tent had gathered around Stanley and Mom, watching curiously.

"Stanley, the Warden isn't interested in finding fossils," Mom handed the rock back to him.

"Lemme see that," Squid said, yanking it from Stanley's hands. I crowded close to Squid to try and look at it. It seemed to be just two fish, nothing that would be valuable for resale or a pawn shop.

"What is it?" Magnet asked.

"Man, see look! Look at the little fishies! Awww" Armpit said in a high-pitched voice. Everyone turned to stare at him while X-Ray just shook his head.

"I mean, you know, it look like those cave pictures, man" Armpit muttered in his normal voice, "Ain't nothin' anyway,".

Squid tossed the fossil back to Stanley and we all grumbled as we headed back to our holes, disappointed that nothing had happened.

"Fossil." Squid scoffed, "Tell you what, I think Stanley belongs in a cave, man,".

"I told you he was a Neanderthal the first time I saw him," X-ray muttered.

I walked back to my hole and dug for a little while, but my thoughts were interrupted when I heard X-Ray's voice by Stanley's hole.

"That was some lame crap you pulled" X-Ray said.

Stanley turned around almost dizzily, and peered up at X-Ray from under his hat.

"What?" Stanley asked dumbly.

"Look man, you ever find anything," X-Ray instructed, "give it to me, you understand?"

Stanley slightly nodded.

"I've been here for over six months and never found anything." X-Ray continued, "No one has. Why should you get a day off when you just got here? You know what I'm saying, it's only fair, right?"

Stanley just looked at X-Ray blankly, making X-Ray punch his arm.

"Right?" This time, X-Ray's voice had an edge.

"Right," muttered Stanley.

"That's what I call an informed decision, dawg," X-Ray smiled and lightly slapped Stanley on the cheek before leaving.

As X-Ray walked past, I gave him a did-you-really-have-to-intimidate-the-new-kid-and-be-a-total-jerk-to-him look. In response X-Ray just smiled a rare smile, and even though I was annoyed with him, I couldn't help but smile back.

It didn't matter anyway. Stanley would never find anything.

I can guarantee that there is nothing in this damn lake.

Later that day, I was sitting on the couch in the rec room between Magnet and X-Ray when Stanley came in, looking exhausted from working in the sun all day.

I motioned for him to come sit with us, although we were all just sitting in silence and watching Armpit and Zig Zag argue over the TV (it was funnier than any tv show ever).

As Stanley crossed the room, some asshole from Tent A ran into him, pushing Stanley on top of Lump, who was resting in an armchair.

"Watch it!" Lump growled, pushing Stanley off of himself.

"You watch it man," Stanley said in a sleepy voice.

"Watchu say to me?" Lump snarled as he kicked Stanley and made him fall forward. Everyone turned to watch.

Stanley was now fully awake and realizing his mistake. "Sorry, man. I didn't mean...I didn't mean to hit you." Stanley muttered. As he got up though, Stanley fell (again), knocking Lump back into the chair.

I swear only Stanley could cause a fight because of how often he falls.

"You're a dead man!" Lump pushed Stanley as all of Tent D stood up to intervene.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on," X-Ray pulled the two apart, "Hey, just chill, okay, man, all right? Look, we start a fight now, the Warden will come down hard on all of us."

I walked forward and stood by X-Ray, watching Lump. Lump seemed ready to fight, but I stood closer, my presence a warning. 

"Just keep that punk," Lump pointed at Stanley, "And that bitch," He was now pointing at me, "Away from me!" Lump shouted.

"Cool," X-Ray said as if he was trying to calm a small child that was having a temper tantrum. I wonder if X-Ray was good with kids. Shit. That's weird, never mind.

"Just chill" Armpit piped in, "It's alright. It's all good. Here's your tunes, man." Armpit put back the radio Stanley had clumsily knocked over.

Squid and I put our arms around Stanley's shoulders and led him away.

"Don't look at him. He's crazy. You understand me? Scraps had to whoop his ass last week, just don't go near him." Squid advised.

I grinned and slapped Stanley's back. I glanced up and saw Zero with a pool ball clutched tightly in  his hands - the same thing he had done when I had fought Lump. Only when Lump went back to his chair did Zero let the ball roll out of his palm. 

Squid and I took our arms off Stanley's shoulders and leaned around the pool table with the rest of Tent D.

"Hey, nobody messes with the Caveman. Nobody." Magnet said, making all of us smile.

"Did you see the Caveman back there?" X-Ray added.

"No, I don't want to mess with anybody," sweet, oblivious Stanley said.

The lunch bell rang and we all got up to eat.

"Let's go eat. You coming Caveman?" I asked Stanley, who was now honored with a nickname.

"Come on, Caveman," Everyone said, like some weird ritual.

"What?" Stanley said, finally catching on, "Caveman?"

While the rest of the group walked to the mess hall, I waited for Caveman and Zero.

"So, I'm Caveman?" Caveman asked Zero. I held in my laughter.

Zero shrugged. "Better than Barfbag,".

As I walked with Stanley and Zero to the mess hall, I could practically feel Caveman glowing with pride and excitement.