If Only, If Only

Bye, Barfbag

Days passed, and it almost felt like I was in a time loop, only my confidence had grown since when I first arrived.

The routine was the exact same: get up ridiculously early, eat a tortilla for breakfast, and then go out to dig in the scalding hot sun for hours. At night, we would play cards or pool until Mom yelled at us.

The only thing that changed was that I was now the first one to get water when the truck came. According to the guys, "ladies first". It was very sweet of them, but I didn't understand why the line to get water was a social ladder.

X-Ray seemed to always be watching me after our talk from the other night, but other than that nothing seemed to change between us.

On one particular morning , the sun was peeking out from behind the mountains, reminding us that its insufferable heat was moments away from being in full effect.

I had still been taking  X-Ray's favorite shovel, but as we walked onto the lake this morning, I decided I would give it back for good.

"Here," I said, offering him the shorter shovel and reaching out to take his.

X-Ray looked down at me suspiciously. "Really?".

I looked up at him and smiled. "I've decided you can have it. Besides, you need it more than I do,".

The other guys laughed.

"What's that supposed to mean, Scraps?" He asked, his face expressionless.

I shrugged innocently, "Oh, I don't know, it's just...you are kind of a slow digger,".

"Ooh, are you gonna let her talk to you like that man?" Zigzag called out.

"What do you want me to do? I can't fight a girl!" X-Ray said, defeated.

"You wouldn't win anyway," I muttered with a shrug.

"Well that's it-" X-Ray started to say, but I just laughed and yanked his shovel from his hands.

"Goodness. You almost fought me because I offered to give you the best shovel?" I tsked as I handed him the shorter shovel.

"Whatever, Scraps," X-Ray said. He tried to punch me in the arm, but I quickly dodged it.

We reached our spot and started digging - I had to put all my weight on the shovel for it to just barely go into the ground.

Barfbag was quieter than usual, so I had been keeping an eye on him to make sure he wouldn't do anything crazy. Our conversation the other night had me worried about him. I still didn't know how to get him home safely.

After lunch (the exact same thing as what we had every other day), I was finishing up my hole when I heard shouts.

"Barfbag!" Someone called out.

"Watchu doin' man?!" Armpit yelled.

"Come on, man, it's not that bad," Squid said.

Barfbag had taken off his shoes and socks and was slowly walking toward a loud, angry rattlesnake.

Shit.

"Barfbag! Stop it!" I yelled, trying to climb out of my hole quickly. I ran over to where he stood to try to stop him, but it was too late.

The rattlesnake lunged forward and sank its teeth into Barfbag's barefoot.

While Barfbag was hollering in pain and rolling around on the desert floor, I ran back to camp, my feet never slowing. I found Mr. Sir eating sunflower seeds and drinking coke in his office while Mom was talking to him about how we were so disrespectful.

I explained to them what happened and the next thing I knew, D-tent and I were walking alongside the stretcher carrying Barfbag from the nurse's office to the ambulance. Before he was sent away, I squeezed his hand.

"Good luck, Barfbag. I'm sorry," Were my final words to him. I think through his pain, he smiled at that moment.

"It will be worth it". And just like that, he was gone.

I didn't know him long, but he was a nice guy, and seeing him leave sucked. I really hoped he and his mom and sister would be okay.

It bothered me that I couldn't have figured out a better idea sooner. Maybe I could have stopped all this from happening if I had taken Barfbag more seriously.

That night, Mom decided to have a "counseling session".

"It was very sad to see Louis go," Mom said. "I wish he could have stayed longer,".

I made a face at X-Ray. Barfbag was willing to be bitten by a rattlesnake just to leave this camp and Mom wanted him to stay longer?

I found it ironic how Mom said Zero had nothing going on in his brain, when in reality, Mom was much dumber.

"Does anybody have any thoughts on what happened today?" Mom asked.

Everyone stayed quiet. Eventually, Mom just sighed and said we could leave.

As we lay in bed that night, Barfbag's missing presence felt wrong. The smell of the tent was also significantly better, which was a constant reminder that he was gone.

I couldn't sleep that night, my head was filled with thoughts of how I failed Barfbag. If he was permanently injured, I was partly to blame.
He came to me for help and I didn't do anything. I was still thinking about it when the wake-up bell went off.