Take Me (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 10

Tenth

Thinking I'd be wasted without Pierre is a gaffe.

No. Surprisingly, I am doing fine. I'm feeling a little lightheaded, yes, still a little disoriented, uh-huh. But I'm not blaming who. It's practically my fault why I'm feeling like I somehow resemble a zombie right now. I barely had a decent sleep after last night. Truth is, I cried myself to sleep until dawn. And thus, here I am. Still alive yet brokenhearted. 

I stared first at my vast ceiling feeling myself. I admit, I'm a kinda clueless what to neither feel nor do right now. Should I cry the whole day? Nah, definitely not. Should I drink myself wasted? Nuh-uh. Nope. Nevah. I'm brokenhearted, yes. But aside from the hollow feeling I am suffering at the pit of my stomach, I feel nothing else. Numb? Maybe. But it seems like I couldn't breathe—like there's something heavy weighing on top of my chest. Ugh. Right now, I just really feel tired. Mentally and physically exhausted, like I lost all my will power to get up and start my day.

Is this what a broken heart feels like? Like you somehow lost your inspiration to look forward for the rest of the day? Ugh.

After Pierre left last night, I would lie if I told you I didn't cry—because I did. A lot. I cried because he was the first guy I fell in love with. And he was the first guy to break my heart. I admit it was my fault. I overreacted because I was hurt because with just probably one word from his ex, Pierre practically abandoned me. And of course, I was jealous and insecure. Thinking about it, I want to turn back time and take back everything I have said. Technically it was my entire fault. I complicate things when simply all I got to do was enjoy it.

Pierre never promised me romance. What he offered me was a blinding release for every knee-wobbling sex. That's it. I was the one who assumed we were more than fu ck buddies. And now here I am, being the pathetic sl ut I am denying I was. As much as it hurt my pride and self esteem I was that. I am a girl who basically gave herself—more like threw herself—to Pierre, just like the rest of his girls, and being pitifully clingy and demanding to him. What do I differ from the rest of his girls? None. 

But I refused to be that.

That's why no matter how much I wanted to call him and apologize and take everything back, I just went to my bathroom to prepare for the day.

I remember today's Saturday. Out of habit, I checked my phone for messages and froze when I realize I was looking for his morning texts. I admit, for a short period of time, it had made me feel special and I am now missing it.

Stop, Ronnie! Staaahp! I want to pull my hair off out of frustration. He already got your purity, Ronnie. Don't let him take your dignity. 

Right. This is who I should be. I cannot change the past but I sure can change the future. And I refuse to be just one of Pierre's girls. I am not pathetic. I am not desperate.

I sighed. At least try making yourself believe, Ronnie. My mind rolls her eye at me.

After my usual morning routine, I went downstairs towards the dining for breakfast. I am a morning person but this hollow feeling in me made me got up earlier than usual.

I am too early that even one of the house help were startled when she saw me.

"Miss, you're up early." Told you so. "Uh, Linda hasn't cooked yet. Do you want anything for breakfast? I'll cook, Miss." Jane, I think, apologetically said with an etched of worry in her face.

I gave her a close lipped smile. "No. I'll cook for my own breakfast. Thank you." I said then left her surprised at the middle of the receiving area.