♠ ♦ Alice in Borderland ♣ ♥

39

My eyes follow the dancing light of the burning candle without blinking. Sometimes I manage to think about nothing for a few seconds, but then I'm hit hard again by the realization of this evening and I'm again flooded with tormented feelings.

Three years and a day ago I lost my brother and today I lost my friend. It's my fault that he's dead now. I wrap my arms around my waist to hold myself together, but it's no use. The damage is not from the outside, but from the inside. There's no way I can keep myself from collapsing. Maybe I shouldn't try that either, because I don't deserve to be able to get myself back together.

I bring my hand to the candle and feel the warmth of the fire trying to comfort my skin. Would it still feel comforting when my hand would indicate that it's too close?

I do my best to go through this as quietly as possible so the boys can't hear me from the other room. They've been through enough already. Either I fail to do so, or Yuki decides to check on me for the umpteenth time on his own. When I notice him standing in the doorway, I withdraw my hand and just keep staring at the candle.

'Soran's asleep,' Yuki tells me softly. When I don't answer, he seems to have doubts about how to proceed. Then he steps in, gently closes the door and slowly approaches me. I don't take my eyes off the candle. 'For Chichiro,' I say, after which I see Yuki nodding out of the corner of my eye.

Then the horrible moment comes again when I feel nothing. For a moment I remember to bring my hand forward again and put it in the fire, just to feel something. Maybe I would've done it if Yuki hadn't been there, but because of him I'm not allowed to show this behaviour now. He would worry and that would mean that's another person who undeservedly thinks of me.

Slowly I take my eyes off the fire and look at Yuki, who is leaning against the wall close to me with his arms folded and staring silently at the candle, crying. Then I'm greeted by a new load of horrible feelings. I drag myself to my feet and move over to him, wrapping my arms tightly around him as best I can. Not much happens at first; he doesn't bring his own arms to me, but he doesn't shove mine away either. Then he shakes his head, to which he breaks his arms free from his own grip and I feel them burning warm against my back. We cry together for a while without saying anything to each other.

At first he's the one who can keep me upright, but then his body gives way too. We just manage to place ourselves on the couch before we collapse. In the silence that follows we both continue to look at the candle. I'm desperate for something to say, but I don't know what. Nothing seems to be appropriate. 'It's a nice apartment,' I say. It looks like Yuki won't go into it, but then I see him nod out of the corner of my eye. 'Yes,' he agrees, 'I have enjoyed living here for many years.' I think of my father's restaurant lying below us and feel tears welling up again. 'The scenery was a little different,' Yuki continues, 'but it feels okay to be here again.'

We need to talk about it. We've been avoiding talking about the game all night. Soran finally managed to fall asleep, but I know I won't be able to. Whenever I think I'm finally dozing off, I see everything over and over again. I see the games again, I feel those filthy spider legs go over my body again, I see the beginning wounds on Chichiro's arms and legs reappear...

'Sorry,' I mumble when Yuki looks at me after I've started rubbing my body for the umpteenth time, 'I keep feeling those legs tickling my body again...' My statement makes his already sad look only now really turn into an unhappy expression. Again tears fill his eyes. 'I'm so sorry, Kairi...' he says softly. 'Everything you've been through... That we forced you to keep that door shut...' He shakes his head. 'We made you feel this way now.'

'I feel this way about myself,' I reply, 'because I've been so stupid to let it get to this point, by being trapped in the illusion that we could all survive together and refusing to face reality, Chichiro's now dead.'