Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 22: Talking about Joel and love

When I woke up a few weeks later, Joel was already awake. "Good morning", he mumbled while playing with my hair. "Hey. I hope you haven't been awake for too long..." I turned around to look at him. He didn't look good. Although there was only a bit of light shining through the curtains in Joel's bedroom I could see the dark shadows under Joel's eyes. I didn't need to hear his answer to know that he had barely slept tonight. "A few hours maybe... But before waking up, I hardly slept. You fell asleep probably hours before I did", he quietly responded. "Why didn't you wake me up?" I placed my hands on his cheeks and started to caress it while looking him in the eyes.

"You were sleeping so peacefully and I know that you need sleep so I didn't want to wake you up. I didn't have any nightmares so it's okay I guess..." "Joel...", I whispered. "Of course it's better than having nightmares but I can see that you weren't doing good at all tonight. And I worry about you." I kept looking Joel in the eyes while gently stroking his cheek with my thumb. I knew his mind could be a really dark place and I had the feeling that tonight that was the case again.  "These thoughts were killing me tonight again." "Which thoughts?", I asked quietly.

"That people would be better without me. I thought about the band and the days when I only ly in bed because I don't feel like getting up. Without me, they could work a lot faster. Make more music in a shorter time and get out a new album sooner. They'd have more fun on tour because I'm not only a terrible person to share a tour bus or hotel room with but also someone who's great at destroying the mood with my bad feelings and thoughts. I'm just not a good band member and an even worse friend because I can't care about my friend's problems. I'm just too busy with my own mind. I don't know why they don't leave me.

And at the same time, I'm so afraid that they will leave me because without the band, I'm nothing. I'm so afraid that you'll leave me, too. But I know that I should not be afraid although it might happen. I just have to deal with that in case you can't be happy with me. I shouldn't even be telling you about these thoughts right now because I know that it makes you feel worse. You shouldn't feel obliged to me but the more I tell you about my thoughts, the worse you'll feel. However... In a friendship or when you're dating someone, we should be able to talk about our feelings honestly, right?"

I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have started dating someone. Especially not someone who was as broken as Joel was. He was afraid of losing me and the more he told me about that, the more he reminded me of Aava. She always told me she couldn't lose me and she would be broken after that. Just like Joel would be. I couldn't be with someone this broken. Not when I was the only one he talked to and he was constantly afraid of being bad for the people around him. "Joel...", I whispered, "please talk to a therapist. Of course you shall be able to share your thoughts with me but I'm not a professional therapist. When I'll go for a walk with Sofia, Niko and their little son, why don't you come with us and talk to Sofia? I mean, she is a therapist and your friend at the same time; why don't you use that opportunity?"

"No, I will not talk to her!" Joel said loudly and pulled back from my hand that was still softly touching him. Based on his reaction, I knew that I didn't need to try to convince him. He wouldn't agree. But I really didn't understand why he didn't want to talk to Sofia. He was the one who had just said that one should be able to talk to friends about one's problems so why did he keep resisting my suggestion to talk to Sofia? "Don't look at me like that, Marlene. I will not talk to her. You can suggest that as often as you want to and you can also ask me about the reason for that as often as you want to; I will not talk about it."

Joel looked at me seriously and combined with the dark shadows underneath his eyes, it made me feel even worse. I was truly worried and couldn't understand his decision but the way he was talking to me right now... So cold and distanced... It hurt. And I was not okay with him raising his voice at me although I didn't do anything wrong. "Joel", I started. I didn't want to talk about his problems right now. I only wanted to tell him that there was no reason to talk to me like that, so harshly and coldly. But before I could continue, he seemed to realise that himself.