Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 6: A fucking Blind Channel show

Why did I do this? Why did I give in to the temptation?!, I cursed at myself for my weakness when it came to this man. I had slept with him. Again. It hurt me too much to see this man suffer; I needed to somehow help him. The moment I saw the pain in his eyes that didn't seem to stop, I didn't care about my own principles anymore; the only aspect I cared about was Joel's wellbeing.

I started to make the same mistake again; I started to bond with a broken person. Sleeping with the same person twice was what I had forbidden myself yet I had done it. If this had been the last time I had slept with him and I hadn't seen this man again, it maybe would have been okay, just a mistake that shouldn't be repeated. But no, fate apparently wanted something different for my life.

A few days after the second night I had spent with Joel, I was at my favorite place to spend evenings again. While talking to Matti who was working that day, I found out that there was a concert he so badly wanted to go to but he didn't want to go there alone. And since I was apparently the only person he knew who also liked heavier music he had the idea that I could join him. His question had somehow surprised me because although we by now knew each other pretty well from our conversations at the bar, we hadn't spent our free time with each other.

Although I at first was surprised, I agreed to go to the show at Allas Sea Pool with him when he almost begged me to join me and eventually even offered to invite me. And a rock or metal gig I didn't have to pay for? Well, that was what I needed at that moment because at the end of the month, there was not a lot of money left and I hadn't been at any gig for what felt like ages. Therefore, I couldn't help myself and agreed to come with him.

A week later, I was all dressed up waiting for Matti. Since I didn't want to look like just anyone at the show but like someone who is actually part of the scene, I decided to choose my favorite clothes that should fit the vibe pretty well: Fishnet tights, black jeans hot pants, my oversized AC/DC t-shirt and my black Dr.Martens; I painted my nails black and my dark hair was tied up in a messy bun.

If only I had known this was not a concert by any band but ironically a show where next to some other metal bands, Blind Channel played. When I saw Joel walking up the stage, I thought I was only imagining this but after blinking a few times and even pinching myself, I knew it was true. Matti had invited me to a Blind Channel gig. I had no clue whether all of this was just a fucking coincident or if he had planned this because he knew Joel and I knew each other and he wanted us to meet again but whatever this was, I didn't want it.

And of course we stood pretty close to the stage so Joel had a good chance to see me. Why? Why always me?, I thought while trying to be as invisible as possible. Whenever a girl came closer, I just let her stand in front of me so she could have a better view and I was hidden by her. I also tried to be a bit smaller but although I wasn't that tall with my 1.68 meters, I was taller than everyone who eventually stood in front of me and partially also in front of Matti. Thus, if Joel wanted to, he could definitely see me.

I enjoyed the music, I couldn't deny that, but I wasn't really concentrating. I rather focussed on Joel and at the same time on trying to not look at the man who had somehow caught my eyes. The way he moved on stage he looked so much happier than when we met before; he suddenly looked so confident and proud but also as if he felt like being at home. On the one hand, that obviously made me happy because a tiny part of me thought that this could mean he wouldn't need or want to meet me again but I was also confused. Hadn't he told me that living the life of a rockstar and a national hero was tiring for him?

While analyzing his mimics and behavior on stage, I didn't notice I was literally staring at him whereas everything else seemed to fade into each other. Only his eyes were what I was looking at now; his mesmerizing eyes that could hold so much pain and so much joy at the same time. Only when these eyes suddenly caught mine, I noticed what I was doing and also that now I had lost. He saw me, I thought before adding some quiet curses. I cursed about the fact that I apparently was too tall to hide, the fact that I had agreed on going to a gig with Matti and even that Matti had suggested that I could join him.