Save Me - Joel Hokka | Blind Channel

Chapter 17: I've died enough for you

Content warning: This chapter includes triggers that are connected to being in a toxic friendship.

With every step that I took towards the voice I was following, I could hear it better. Someone was playing an acoustic guitar while singing the song. Although I hadn't known the song before, it was immediately touching me. The song itself with the melody, but also the singer's voice. It was so soft yet a bit raspy and when he sang that song, it sounded so emotional, his voice seemed like it was almost shattering into pieces so broken it sounded. However, what touched me the most were the lyrics. I couldn't understand everything the man with a voice that somehow sounded familiar to me sang but what I did understand was the chorus in which it sounded like he was telling someone he'd leave them because he couldn't take it anymore. Because he had died enough for them.

Soon, I could see where and whom the voice came from: Joel was sitting on a balcony on the first floor, a guitar in his hands and singing a song, probably one of Blind Channel's songs. The moment I heard the chorus for a second time, heard those words, I couldn't hold my tears back. They reminded me so much of what I had been going through in the past, for what I had blamed myself for years. I had left someone who was suicidal only because I couldn't take it anymore. Because I couldn't take that I was giving up my own life for another person who once was a friend or even like a mother to me but eventually only someone who stole my time and made me isolate myself from the people I loved. And now there was Joel, expressing words that could be my own ones just that I didn't dare to say them because I'd have felt selfish.

I was addicted but here comes the truth
I'm not a quitter but I've died enough for you
This is where we fall apart
This is where I'm giving up
I'm getting out, I'm signing off
I'm done with you
So go and mend your broken heart
'Cause this is where I'm giving up
I'm getting out, I'm signing off
I've died enough for you

Yeah, that was exactly what I had felt back then. I had died enough for you, Aava. Hearing this song, these lyrics for the first time made me feel understood, as if someone wanted to help me to forgive myself. And somehow, this someone seemed to be Joel. And although I tried to forget him, I couldn't help myself but stop walking, stand on the street next to the balcony and cry all the tears I hadn't cried when I felt like crying but the tears wouldn't want to come out. Not only were tears streaming down my face right now, I also started sobbing. I couldn't calm down and eventually, I wasn't even hearing Joel anymore. Everything I heard was my sobbing and just so slightly, I heard cars passing by behind me. Eventually, Joel must have stopped singing but I hadn't noticed that because I was so lost in thoughts about my past.

I only realized what was happening around me, when suddenly a door opened and Joel came out of the house. Shit, he must have heard my sobbing, I thought as I saw him approaching me. "Marlene, what are you doing here? And why are you crying?", Joel quietly asked before he carefully pulled me in a comforting hug. "I... I was walking around and then I heard you singing... The song... The lyrics... I...", I couldn't explain why I was crying so heavily but I didn't need to. "Shh...", Joel whispered while softly pressing my head against his chest and caressing my head. "Do you want to come in with me? I can make you a tea or a hot chocolate and you'll calm down, okay? And if you want to tell you what happened, I'm all ears, okay?" I only nodded, I wasn't able to answer because when Joel had wrapped his arms around me, I had started to sob even more.

With his right arm around my waist, Joel led me to the door, upstairs and then into his apartment. "Do you want to sit down on my couch? There's also a blanket, if you want one." Again, I only nodded and followed him to the sofa while I was still sobbing and tears were running down my face. "Hot chocolate or tea? Or something else?", Joel asked while softly stroking my arm after I had sat down on his sofa. "Hot chocolate", I mumbled and grabbed the warm blanket to cover my body with it. "Okay, I'll be back in a few minutes. If you need something, just tell me. Or do you want to be on your own for a while?" I only shook my head to signal him I wanted him to come back to me after the hot chocolate was done. Why did this man exactly know what I needed the most right now? The way he hugged me, caressed me and now the blanket and the hot chocolate... Wasn't that exactly what I had wished only a few minutes before when I started to feel so fucking lonely?