Paradox

Chapter 12: Dark night part 3

"Okay." She squeezed his shoulder. "Just remember you can stop at any time you want."

His eyes were like dark pools of the endless night in the candlelight. He was so still that she wondered if he was still breathing. When after a space of time he started talking again his voice was barely above a whisper.

"She was determined to punish my father. I was too....new then to realize I was the pawn to do it. She and I spent lots of time together." he smiled wryly. "I never got much time with my dad so I cherished the time I spent with her." His breath hitched. "She was always affectionate with Amenadiel and me, dad never was. She would bake us our favorite treats -- we had fun together."

Linda emphasized again, "You felt loved."

He threw her a scathing look. "You humans and your superficial emotion defined as love. Love doesn't exist." He grew quiet again his expression troubled. He looked at Dr. Linda then away again. "One time she..." He stared at his hands. "She kissed me on the lips. It startled me, it didn't feel right. I pulled away from her. That made her angry. She told me I was a disappointment as a son. But then her mood changed -- she was always unpredictable like that and she apologized saying she was mad at my dad, not me. She let me have a cup of Ambrosia...something my dad didn't allow. I...felt strange after I drank it. I didn't know then she drugged it. I...she." His breathing grew ragged, yet his voice was tight, controlled. "She wanted to defile my father's favorite son as a form of revenge."

Horrified Linda put her hand on his arm. "This wasn't your fault! You were a victim."

He laughed as if she had just told a particularly good joke but there was an edge to the laugh, something sharp that tore at his soul. His voice dropped. "Not in the way you are thinking at the moment. I don't remember much of it. It was like I was an observer I had no control and I was out for most of it -- all I have is a faint memory of her wrapping herself in my wings. My dad discovered us together I woke up later in my bed I don't remember what happened, no details -- I guess that is a good thing."

"Did your dad talk to you about what happened?"

Lucifer shook his head. "Not really. He came to me after I had awoken; he was the one who carried me to my bedroom. He asked what had happened, and then he told me what he had discovered and mum's explanation as to why she did it. No one else knew exactly what had happened but they knew that it was something bad. Amenadiel wouldn't even come near me." He grew silent again.

She stroked his arm. Linda felt his muscles tense. After a minute or so he spoke again. "She came to see me and begged me to talk to dad on her behalf. She told me nothing had happened she had set it up so that dad would think it had. She wanted to torment him by making him think she had done something horrible to his favorite son. He had hurt her so she wanted to hurt him back. She said she didn't know what had come over her. She begged for my forgiveness for making me think she could do something so horrific like that to me. She begged me to talk to dad. But I couldn't...I just couldn't...to this day I don't know if she was telling me the truth or manipulating me into trusting her again." His voice cracked. "Something inside of me hardened into a wall. I put her and my feelings for her behind it. I couldn't forgive what she had done to me -- I couldn't trust." His breath hitched.

Linda exhaled slowly. So much was starting to make sense.

"She lost Amenadiel and me...dad cast her out. She begged me to make dad change his mind, she must have done the same with Amenadiel because he did talk to dad. But he followed through and she was gone from our lives. She was...is very powerful. She and my dad had after all created Amenadiel and me. Dad then created the others with his owner power. She learned from that and created demons and those demons created more demons some of them even mated with humans. Early on she was still trying to get me to forgive her and get dad to let her back, she had one of her demons create Maze for me to protect me." He looked at Linda. "And no we aren't related. But creating demons wasn't the worst of it. When she realized she wouldn't be allowed into heaven anymore...it wasn't pretty. Mum was always very strong, and very independent which I admired about her. My dad who always wanted everything his way never intimidated her. When he cast her out it did something to her. She lost her children -- his children -- so I guess she couldn't stop her need to punish him and his new creations. She started taking his creations, children, stealing them..." his voice dropped to a whisper again..."drowning them."