Joining the lights

You choose to think you understand, but you don't.

   June comes on the 13th day. He is unconscious and she still forces me to go hiking. Anything that is similar to what he said reminds me of him and rubs salt in the wound. I've gone back to the way I was before him, anxious with longer and longer depressive episodes. I still sleep at night but never well so i just end up staying up until.

"I talked to Darcy, his receptionist, she said to get you out and eating right again. You're starting to act like when Nate died. Ace isn't even your fiancé like Nate was so there isn't any reason for you to act like this."

Anger seethes and courses through me. So you wanna talk about when he died? You shouldn't talk about him; you aren't good enough to speak his name or acknowledge that he existed. You don't know what pain is. You didn't have to watch his health disintegrate and be there when he died. You just choose to think you understand but you don't. You barely cared. You just shrugged it off like it was nothing and pretend it didn't happen. I wish I could get over it. You only cried when others were crying you're completely fake no matter what it comes to, even though your friend died. Someone you spent years of your life with.

Emotional pain doesn't go away just like that. Some day you feel great then it hits you, from all angles at the same time. Sometimes you have no idea what you're feeling, you just want it to stop. It's impossible to be prepared to lose someone regardless if you know it's gonna happen.