With Or Without You

2.

A FEW YEARS AGO

I had a shoot I had to go to and I was already running late. Traffic was a buzzkill in Mumbai at that time of the day.

As soon as I reached there, I felt a little out of place. I barely knew anyone I was doing the shoot with, just recognized them by their name in the industry.

I made my way to the first person I saw. It was a guy. He had jet-black hair and was so engrossed in his script that his brows were furrowed with concentration. He was pacing around the vanity and moved with a surprising level of grace and skill.

He looked up, saw me and raised his eyebrows in question.

"Hi!" I said. "My name's Tejasswi. I'm supposed to do the shoot along with you. You're Mr. Karan Kundrra, right?"

He was about to respond but I beat him to it.

"That was a stupid question," I continued, raising my voice. "Of course you're Karan Kundrra. Why else would you be here, in a vanity, reading a script and getting your makeup done? If you weren't him it would be creepy."

He stared at me in sudden silence.

"Did you hear anything I just said?" I asked.

"Just the last part where you called me creepy."

"That's not—" I fumbled for words, embarrassed. "You didn't hear the whole thing. I was saying you were not creepy."

"Still seems like a weird way to say hello to a stranger."

"No. I swear, I didn't mean anything." Something had gone very wrong with this conversation. "I just—" I broke off when he started laughing.

He was messing with me.

I'd never met anyone with the ability to piss me off faster.

"See you around" I said, my voice flat.

I didn't think much of our little conversation until I was on set and saw him coming out from the other side of the stage.

The questions ranged from 'what was your worst audition' to 'which show you wish you had said no to' We had a lot of fun banter during the questions and I found myself forgetting all about our disastrous first meet.

The last question came across the screen, 'What is the weirdest way in which a co-star has introduced themselves to you?'

I was pondering over the question when the sound of his voice brought me back and I focused on his answer.

A sly smirk came upon his face and he said, "This girl came up to me and basically introduced herself by calling me creepy."

I started to fume when a soft smile replaced his earlier expression and he continued, "I don't know if it was because she was nervous or this is just how she is but it was the first time someone had made me want to laugh so hard, it was physically painful to keep it in. Made my day."

My cheeks heated up as I blushed and tried to keep my face neutral. As everyone started chuckling at his response, his gaze turned towards me quick and unnoticed and he winked.

*****

I'm what? What am I? I'm a mess. The second I saw her something leaped inside me, dolphin-like, and you'd think after twenty months it wouldn't hurt quite like this but it does, it hurts, the kind of hurt that makes you want to fucking wail.

My palms are clammy. I keep swallowing, as if that'll help keep all the feelings down. Teja looks so different: her hair is shorter and dyed black, and her glasses are off. She is quite possibly more beautiful than ever. It's as if I was looking at her identical twin: the same but different. Unchanged and changed.

For a split second I raise my hand to wave at her but change directions midway. This is not the kind of hello I owe to her after what happened between us. A simple wave doesn't make all those unsaid words heard. A wave does not make the pain lessen. A wave means nothing.

I used to be good at this sort of thing. I used to be smooth. I wish I could reclaim some of the cockiness I had when I first met Teja and didn't have the foggiest idea of how completely and utterly she would change my life.

I'm still at the reception counter and I can see her talking to Aahana not far off. She's largely ignoring me after those first few heart jolting, gut-wrenching moments of eye contact. And been studiously avoiding my gaze every time I try to snag her attention.

I sighed. I have to talk to her. I can't just unsee her and I know I'll have to take the first step for any sort of communication because she wasn't going to.

I tried to talk myself into just walking up to her and saying hi but eventually fear won over sense. My mind knew I had to do this but my heart just wasn't ready yet.

I don't want to lose my chance though. If I don't do it now, it'll be too late. I've already failed once before, I have no intention of doing it again.

I excuse myself from Advik's grip and mumble something about going up to my room to relax because I'm tired. He claps my back saying he'll be by the pool.

After unlocking the door with my card, I toss off my shoes, sit on the bed and take out my phone. I think of shooting her a quick message.

I type her name in and open the chatbox which has seen no activity in almost two years. At least she's unblocked me now, I exhale with relief.

I twinge with pain at the sight of the name I saved her number as, Laddoo. I knew I should have changed it somewhere along the way. Should have at least kept it as Teja instead but I couldn't bring myself to do so.

Hello, I wrote.

Nope, too formal.

Hi, how are you, I type instead.

Too forward.

I groan and delete the whole thing. Maybe I should just call her. Before I could try to dissuade myself out of it, I press the call button.

The line rang once, twice, thrice until she finally picked up.

I heard her familiar 'hello' and almost let out a weep listening to the sound of her voice. It sounded as soft and familiar as music in the glittering dark.

"Teja?" I whisper.

"Karan?" she said, shock coating her voice.