Let's hope for the best

Chapter 48: A dreamer 'til the day I die

And then, I wake up: and I dry my tears, I take a shower, and I get out.

I run.

I work.

I read, I paint.

I cry, if I need to.

Until I have no tears left to cry.

And I laugh, until my jaw hurts.

I write, until I fall asleep on my laptop.

I sail across my own mind and my imagination.

I get out, because I want to live... I want to go on.

And I know, I know very well -I'm painfully aware!- that I haven't finished picking up the pieces of my life, just yet.

I don't know if I'll ever bring myself to be in another relationship.
I don't know if I'll ever be a mother.
I don't know if I'll ever stop missing Theo.
Or if I'll stop torturing myself over why has this happened to us. Why us?? What I have done to bring this upon me?

I have so many questions, and not so many answers, and probably I never will.

I don't really know what my future is gonna be.

But at least I know, that I want to go on... at least, I want to try.

I want to exist.
I want to write, I want to cry, I want to think. I want to live. I want to express myself.

And my ghosts, they're are still with me: sometimes asleep, sometimes I can still hear them scratching, calling for me.

The ghost of the life that I would have wanted. The ghost of the many conversations we wouldn't have, of the journeys we wouldn't make, of the Christmases we wouldn't celebrate, of the kisses we would never share, and all the years that we thought we had lying ahead of us, but life had other plans.

But then those times, I put on my headphones, I open up my laptop, and I start writing: and then, at least for a little while, the ghosts get quiet.

And I, I exist.

I dream, I invent.

I am, despite what life has not given me.

That, I think, is my biggest achievement so far.
To have a flimsy sense of identity, of existence.

A desire to keep existing, and a dignity of existing, even without Theo, even without children, that I hadn't thought possible.

A sense that there is still a Bi somewhere, even after all the other people have left.

Even if my siblings have grown, even if Theo no longer walks with me, if my patients aren't needing me right now, if my friends have their own families to think of.

If 18 years old me could see me know, she wouldn't believe her eyes.

She wouldn't believe that I- I, of all people!!- would be alive, in the end. Despite it all.

*And I, I don't want a never-ending life: I just want to be alive, while I'm here*

...
THE END

Thank you, reader, if you have stuck with me till the very end.

At least... for now. I don't know what the future might hold. I don't really have a closure for you.
That is my story... so far.

I thank the lovely artists, whose beautiful songs has taken us through this journey.

We shall say goodbye then, reader: for now. until we meet again.

Stay healthy, stay safe; shut your own ghosts in the closet.

Go, and write down you own life, if you feel like doing it: I think, you should.

Because every story, I think, deserves to be told...

Bi