american beauty // joshler

43

josh's point of view

i know tyler hasn't been doing well. he doesn't ever want to go into detail about it, but honestly, there might be nothing to go into detail about in the first place. he wouldn't tell me what the psychiatrist said, but i don't think it's a stretch to assume he has depression at the very least. and depression doesn't always need a reason.

i've been somewhat swamped at work lately, so i'm trying to push down my worry long enough to get some editing done before i have to go home. i'm interrupted when my phone dings.

regina: if you're not too busy, could you stop by my office?

josh: absolutely. give me about twenty minutes?

regina: 👍

i put my phone down to finish the rest of my work as quickly as possible before finding my way to her office.

her door is cracked, but i still knock twice.

"hey, josh. come take a seat. you're not in trouble, don't worry," she smiles a little and clears her throat, "i just wanted to talk to you about tyler."

i can't deny the feeling of relief that washed over me when she said i wasn't in trouble, but the idea that tyler could be makes me anxious too.

"oh. is everything okay..?"

"that's what i wanted to ask you, actually. i know you guys have moved in together. i haven't seen any issues here at work, you're both doing great as always. i just wanted to know how he's doing in general. has the medication been helping at all? he's still going to therapy, right?"

"he's been going to therapy, yes. but what medication are you talking about..?"

regina's face twists in confusion. "the mood stabilizer and antidepressant the psychiatrist prescribed him? did he not tell you?"

i feel my heart drop.

"he didn't tell me anything they said. i had no clue he was supposed to be taking any medicine at all."

a look of what i think might be pity or disappointment replaces the confusion and she nods. "his medical records are released to me, but i didn't bother to look until steven told me he had to give him a ride to the pharmacy. he didn't tell me either, so i guess i shouldn't be surprised."

"i'm sorry, i'm not sure how to... process this, really."

"it's alright. i think you should talk to him though. but be gentle. steven said he was pretty upset about all of it," she pauses and purses her lips in a moment of hesitance, but decides to continue anyway, "i'm sorry, josh."

"right... okay. it's fine."

i leave after that, still confused and slightly hurt. my drive home is spent in silence as i try to wrap my mind around it all. i think i can understand why tyler would keep this from me, but i also thought we had made more progress than that. i don't feel offended or anything, i don't think. i'm just... caught off guard.

i feel bad that i couldn't be there for him if he was so upset about it, but i know he gets embarrassed about this stuff, even though i've told him he has no reason to.

when i finally make it home, i find tyler sitting on the balcony with a cigarette in his fingers, burning out as he stares out at the view.

i sit down in the chair next to him and this seems to snap him out of his thoughts. he puts the cigarette out in the ashtray and looks to me with a small smile that doesn't reach his eyes, which carry bags darker than usual.

"hey, j. how was work?"

"it was alright. i had a meeting with regina."

"oh? about what?" he looks down at his socks, likely to avoid any possibility of eye-contact.