american beauty // joshler

8

josh's point of view

i start the process of editing in my new office as the sun is setting on a thursday evening. it would be peaceful if it weren't for the content i am working with. taking this job was a terrible idea.

something about him pulls me in, something from his cotton candy aura, so sickly sweet and sticky, that keeps me from turning away. he's beautiful and terrible and the scents of his weed, liquor, and cologne (which probably costs half my rent) have decided to permanently set up camp in my senses. even though we haven't known each other long, he's somehow become this sort of cancerous growth, taking up the forefront of my brain all the time.

and i feel horrible. someone i haven't known for long at all has shown me a few ounces of attention and all of a sudden it's like my mind is fucking broken. or maybe i'm just overreacting. overthinking. again.

i dig the heels of my hands in my eyes and sigh. a knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts.

"come in."

jayla walks in with a cup in her hand, "chamomile?"

"i'd love some, thank you." i sit up a little straighter and she sits in the chair on the opposite side of me. "i've got a bit of a headache so maybe this will help."

"i have tylenol, if you want," she offers.

"i'm okay, thanks. how are you? to what do i owe the pleasure?"

"just came to check on you," she shrugs, drumming her fingers on her leg. "how's your editing going?"

"it's going good. time consuming."

"right. how are you doing?" she continues. i know what she's digging for.

i take another sip of the tea she brought and then shrug, "i'm fine, jayla. really."

"how's ayden?"

there it is.

"he's good. we're good."

i know it was meant to be a nod at tyler. i feel dizzy with how fast my thoughts go in circles. nothing is happening between us, he's just an infuriating coworker. but, on the other hand, if i have to so fervently convince myself of this, there has to be something i'm hiding, something deeper lurking underneath the surface.

she gives me another knowing look. "i just don't want you to get hurt. or hurt other people in the process. i know i've only met him once, but he seened really nice. you guys have been together for several years now, right? i would hate to see some coked up brat ruin it for you.

"i'm sorry if that's crossing a line or if i'm being annoying or whatever, but you're my friend and i care about you. i've heard a lot of things about him and i worry," her tone and the look in her eyes are both sincere. i still can't help but feel that itch of guilt, of embarrassment at being called out for something i'm not even doing.

"look, i appreciate it, but i'm a big boy, jayla. i can handle myself."

"right. no, you're right, i know. i'm sorry," she nods and stands again. "i'll let you get back to work."

"thank you."

i feel a different kind of guilt after she leaves. it wasn't meant to be harsh on her, i wasn't trying to be an ass.

and i lied anyways. i don't know what i'm doing.

i can't be mad at her for not minding her business when she's really right about everything. i can only be nervous that she sees through me so easily.

-

i'm in bed watching something on netflix to try and keep my mind occupied before my phone rings, disturbing my peace.

tyler joseph. of course.

"hello, tyler. what do you want?"

loud music comes through the speaker of my phone and his voice is slurred over it, "joshuaaaa, hi! come to my party!"

even drunk, he makes demands.

"hi. no. is that the only reason youre calling? it's really late."

he sigh's dramatically, "you never wanna come to my parties."

"first of all, you haven't invited me to that many. secondly, that's not really my scene anyway. but third, you party all the time, i'm sure i'll have another opportunity."

"but joooosh, i wanna see you."

"you are very drunk, tyler. please go to bed." i close my eyes tightly, doing my best to ignore the shift in his tone there that i know was intentional.

"what?! no, it's not even that late! and i have sooo many friends here! brendon's here! you'll like him. i'm excited for you to meet him, but he's kind of jealous of you actually, cause we spend so much time together," he rambles on and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel about the knowledge that brendon urie is jealous of me or the fact that tyler apparently talks about me to his friend-with-benefits.

"okay, so go spend time with him if he's jealous."

"i have! i did. we just had sex like twenty minutes ago!"

i cringe. "okay, i didn't need to know that. i'm gonna go to bed now. goodnight, tyler."

"fine, fine. i'm gonna go do some more drugs!" he giggles to himself. "gotta stay skinny, right?"

this is... alarming, but not surprising i guess. i don't have much time to react anyway because he hangs up after that.

substance use is something very common in the industry and i'm not oblivious to it, but hearing tyler be so casual about something like that makes me uncomfortable and... sad. i just can't pinpoint why.

i hope he's at least being safe. i'm sure this isn't his first time, probably closer to his thousandth.

does no one say anything? should i be worried? should i even care?

should i go to the next party?

(an: josh having his maybe i can fix him moment)