Letters

Cause its impossible to get you off my mind..

That night, when Mindy fell asleep, I sneaked out of the house, careful not to wake her up. The night was laced with a cold wind, so I carried my sweatshirt. I walked down the sidewalk and towards the store. My nerves were getting ahead of me, and I needed to work it out. 

As I reached the back door of the shop leading to my office, I pulled my spare keys out. My office was still warm against the chill of the night. Off came my sweatshirt ,and as I headed into my cabin, I hung it on the back of my chair. I headed to my desk and pulled towards me the box of new arrivals, ready to be labeled and shelved. I pulled out the first title, 'Jane Eyre'. I'd read this at the age of 16, desperate to find myself amongst the pages filled with peculiar, engaging details. I stuck on the price sticker and put it in the pile of classics. You'd think the work of sorting books would end sometime, but it never did. There were always more books, always more titles, always more sale. 

Next month, Nia planned to open a section for books to be borrowed and returned. Once that started, my work of sorting would double, but I barely minded that. Sorting through titles, running my fingers across the spines always brought me a weird sense of pleasure. The musty smell of pages and ink and the feel of them against my hands. After half an hour or so of piling books into neat stacks, I stood up and walked towards my drawer. I pulled out the notebook and pen I kept in my office just in case I ever needed to write something down.

Penn,

Somedays I convince myself you never really loved me. That it was merely the circumstances that brought us together, which made you think you carried affection for me. The days were long and empty, the kind where even Netflix runs out. You had tears that needed drying, words that needed hearing and love that needed to be given. I simply happened to be there. You stayed up with me on days you couldn't sleep. Smiled for me when no one else tried to make you smile. But my heart refuses to believe that you would have loved me if those who broke your heart had still stayed. 

What if all along, happenstance is all that was keeping us together? The fact I loved you when you thought no one ever would...that I showed up when you wanted someone. It scares me, because even when I do not wish you, I carry a hope in me. A hope that tells me you'll come back one day. That hope exists because there is a belief yet that you truly loved me as much as I did you. And each time that belief slips, so does my hope. Pity, I'm alive holding on to that thread that I refuse to think does not lead to you. 

I stopped then. My hands hovered over the last words, itching to carry on. My skin still ached with the memories my mind could no longer remember. But memories were meant to be remembered in daylight, when the darkness had no chance to close in on you. Here, in the small space of my cabin, there was no sun, and no stars to save me. I put the pen down and locked the notebook back into the drawer. Once the cupboard locks were secured, I put my sweats on once again and headed out. I made sure the office door was locked before I made my way back to my apartment. 

The roads were silent, devoid of the hustle that took over during the day. The night was clear, and I could see all the stars. Instead of stopping on my floor, I made my way to the terrace at the top floor. Here's the thing about stars...they're small leaks in the wall of black that let the hope in. Maybe that's what cracks are meant for too; to let the light in. Maybe that's why we break before we put ourselves together. That little fighter inside of us needs to see the light before reaching towards it. Perhaps that is why broken hearts are more capable of love too. There's more places for the hope to seep in and take roots. After all, to dust away cobwebs and fill spaces with butterflies is what falling in love is all about, right?

I sat down on one of the foldable lawn chairs scattered around the terrace and looked up. I did not dare close my eyes, incase I missed a shooting star. I could do with a wish right now. It was maybe twenty minutes before I heard the terrace door open and someone else walking through. I heard soft footsteps walk towards the other end and pull another chair out. The iron legs of the chair made a sharp shriek against the cement of the floor and I jerked up. 

"Shit, I'm sorry, I did not wanna wake you up", The voice sounded familiar. Really familiar, but I could barely make out the face in the dark. It was probably a neighbor. 

"That's alright. I wasn't asleep, just came up here for the stars."

"Carry on then, I'll be really quiet." 

Having said that, he dragged the chair near the door and crashed into it. I say crash with careful consideration because he really did crash. The chair creaked under the sudden weight. 

"I'm sorry again, I'll be more quiet now." 

I smiled to myself. As inconvenient as the situation was, it was also slightly amusing. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes then. The company was unasked for, but during there quiet hours, also comforting. I drifted off to sleep before even realizing it. But the siesta was short lived. I heard the crash before I heard the string of cuss words. I jerked up and ran towards the crash, eager to help out. As I looked down, I saw a guy, same age as me and by the looks of it, way taller than me. He was sprawled at this sides, with the broken chair laying shattered. 

"Oh no, you took the broken one. I should have remembered to warn you, this one's had lose screws forever."

"Oh I'm alright, just a bruised ego"

That made me laugh, but It stopped when he looked up. Because I remembered that face; better than even my own. The full lower lip, the dark eyes and messy hair. The freckle above the lips, the slight dimples. My heart stopped and then restarted. My hands were shaking. I saw his face go white as recognition took him over as well.

"Mae..."

I took a deep breath and my voice was steady when I replied.

"Hello Penn."