Letters

TO, THE ONE (we went from skin to skin, to I never wanna see you ever again)

The coffee was getting cold. I let the last of its warmth seep into my fingers as I drained it in one big gulp. The morning was chilly, but warm enough for me to sit on the stairs of my small apartment as I braced myself for the day to come. My phone vibrated besides me, the screen lit with the notification of a text.

ARE YOU COMING IN TODAY?

YEAH

ALRIGHT.

I rose slowly, reluctantly. Inside I stood for a minute, my eyes greeted by the same scene I saw everyday. The brown couch, plain white walls and the patchwork furniture all brought from thrift stores. It was a good life I had. But there were days like this. Full of unsaid words and restless thoughts. Days when I felt like a jigsaw puzzle with one missing piece. You can see the picture, but its incomplete nevertheless. 

Choosing clothes to wear was no big task. Trousers and a shirt would do, a scarf if I felt like it. After a quick shower, I was on my way. I worked in a small book store 4 blocks away, and it paid just enough to keep me happy. 

"Morning Nia". Nia was my boss, the owner of the store. She was a tiny woman, with graying hair. 3 years ago, I'd walked in desperate for work, and she needed a hand with the heavy lifting, so she'd taken me in with a salary more than I had expected. And I had never had a reason to leave. She was an amazing woman, married with 2 kids and the cutest pup in the world. Right that moment however, she was busy flipping through one of the hardbacks that had arrived yesterday.

"Darling, do you remember ordering these? I can't recall doing so myself."

"Oh, here lemme see", I leaned over her shoulder and plucked one out of the open package. "Ah yes, I remember these, I ordered them last week. The author is blowing up and quiet a few kids came in looking for it."

"Lovely then. Now will you be a peach and check in on how the new shelves we ordered are coming along? "

"On it!"

I stepped into the tiny office space at the back. I never really needed an office, my work was mostly out front, but I often stayed late sorting through books and reviews to see which ones to order. Nia thought it would be a good idea if I did that in peace. The space was neat and stacked with bills and order receipts. I sat down at my laptop, and my eyes fell onto a page sticking out of my bag. It was crumpled up as if I'd stuck it inside in a hurry.

To,

The one.

I have lived within moments of intense joy. But never has one ever compared to the moments where I held you close. I was 16 and standing on my front door steps as you walked up  to me. Every moment of it, starting from the double take you did at your first glance of me, is imbedded in my memory in vivid detail. I can recall the smile you gave me when it was time to go. The sad one, but so full of hope. Hope that there would be a next time. Funny thing, young love. Everything is the end of the world, and every day is a new beginning.  Every fight means too much and every laugh is a treasure. We were still learning when I found you. Still learning when we left. And we're still learning now, but we know what we need to make it count. And now I know I should have never let you slip. 

I sat there unmoving. I did not dare read further. The events of last night were still a little blurry inside my head. I remembered getting home feeling as if my whole world was about to drop. I remembered buying a bottle of wine, in preparation of a long night watching romantic comedies from the 90s. I never did, instead I remember sobbing in the middle of my apartment, on the floor, clutching my journal to my chest. I remember wanting to write it all down, so I'd remember. So I'd understand later. But I also remember tearing the pages off, wanting to post them. And then stuffing them into my bag to stop myself from posting the letter. It was the first time in months an emotion that strong had gripped me. I knew exactly what I would have written next. I knew exactly who I was talking about. But I was not prepared to face the memories or the feelings that followed. Not again. Not today.