Letters

Same spot. (what if I don't move on)

Mindy passed me the bottle of wine and I finished the last of it in one big gulp. I could feel her eyes on me, but I pretended to not know. My eyes were fixed on the pages of the letter in front of me. My eyes still hurt from the tears, I could tell they were swollen and red. I sniffled for the millionth time and pulled out a tissue paper to blow my nose. 

"Its been years Mae. Stop Wrecking yourself over him. There's a world out there waiting for you"

I'd been expecting her to say this for half an hour. 

"I'm not wrecked, I'm out in the world and I have a life."

"When was the last time you went on a date and did not come back early and cry the night away?"

She was right. I'd tried dating, tried going out with other people. Tried to move on. But every time someone held my hand, I pulled away. Every time someone leaned towards me, I backed out. In 3 years, I'd never reached the end of a single date I'd been on. It always seemed sacrilegious , holding someone else. They never fit. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to admit it out loud. 

"I'm just not looking for a relationship right now. You know that."

On that, she sighed and stood up. "Alright, you're making me do this." Mindy walked over to my bedroom and I heard stuff being moved around. Then I heard the loud thud of a ox being pulled down. I hurried into the room to see whatever she'd done and saw a big pile of letters inside the box. Some pages were frail and yellow, you could tell they were old. She pulled out another bundle of letters out, and then another, and another. They were all tied up with strings and sorted according to what month they'd been written in. How I knew that? Because I'd written every single one of them. 

"4 years worth of letters, and you have them all. Sorted by the month."

"How did you know of this?"

"I helped you move into this place darling, I know where everything is kept."

I pushed out a long breath and joined her on the floor, sitting with my legs crossed. I felt silly, knowing that she knew exactly how pathetic I was in that moment. I'd tried over the months, to throw them out or burn them. But my wretched heart never let me. Eventually when I was supposed to move, I packed them all up, stowed them away into a box and put it on the highest shelf. And if I'm honest, I never let myself so much as look up at the box. I knew that if I saw them, I'd be tempted to open them. And once I opened them, I'd end up reading all of them. And that was a simple recipe to heartbreak.

Besides, I knew what I had written in these letter. I remembered every heart wrenchingly painful emotion I'd somehow bled onto those papers. I reached out and touched the edge of one of the bundles. Mindy looked at me, still expecting a response. I said nothing once again, letting the silence seep into our bones. The label on the pile read 'July 2022'. I remembered July. Full of hope that should never have existed at all. I picked on the string and pulled out the letter at the bottom of the stack. My eyes skimmed over the 1st line and the memories of that day rushed in. The second to last day of July, sitting in the solitary quiet of my house, head resting still against the cool wall. Words spoken, words forgotten, but I remembered them. My own breath in my ears, pushing in and out of my lungs. The strange awareness of every sensation. 

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July 2022

"Why were you crying?"

My heart skipped a beat. I'd been sure to splash my face with cold water. Up until now I had been very good at covering my tracks. 

"When was I crying?"

"I can tell from your face you were."

"Oh... That was a while ago, don't worry."

"When was the last time?"

I hesitated a moment, choosing between lying to him and telling him the truth.

"This afternoon...", the truth.

"Why were you crying?"

I hesitated once more, thinking. This time I changed the topic.

"When do you head out for work?"

"In an hour or so, why?"

"Just asking, did you eat today?"

"I should be asking you, you're the one who never eats."

"I ate."

"Why did you cry?"

Because I have spent everyday missing you, even in the moments you were here. Because everyday I wish time would turn back and everyday it hurts when I realize it never will. Because you will never hold my hand the same way, because I can't hear you smiling anymore. Because once again, I don't recognize the girl in the mirror. This time there's no light in here eyes, no blossoming smile. She's become a ghost after you left. She floats around life looking for what she lost. Come back...

"Wasn't feeling so well. How are your exams coming along?"

"They're alright, I have to study again in a while though."

"Alright"

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To,

The one I lost.

Breathing is only air, pushing in and out of my lungs. I'm still drowning without you. Its been months. I can't hold another without feeling like you're slipping away further. I can't sleep without dreaming of you. I can't write without think about you. Nothing is enough anymore, nothing makes sense the way it should. 

If I could turn back time, I'd undo every mistake we made. Just to make you laugh again. I thought I could live with you not being mine, if it made you happy. But I've come to realize I'm a deeply selfish human. I wish you every happiness, but I pray feverishly that it be with me. I want to be the one to make you smile. The one who makes you feel lucky. The eye of your storm and the gravity that keeps you in the ground, yet the wings that help you soar. 

If you only knew what was inside my mind. If only I had words enough to tell you.

Love always,

Yours,

M