For You • (Howl x Reader) ✔️

15- Y/N

Howl left. Just like that. I wanted to go after him and I opened the portal but Calcifer stopped me. “If Howl didn’t want you to go, you should not. Listen to what he says, Y/N,” he said and my hand trembled on the door knob; the portal still open. I didn’t look at him. “What am I supposed to do then? Let him die by the hands of the witch and her henchmen?” I said. I hadn’t intended for my voice to come out so harsh but it came even harsher than I thought it sounded. “Y/n, it’s Howl we’re talking about, he is no ordinary wizard. He can handle himself; he has handled himself fine all these years,” Calcifer told me. “I didn’t come here to let Howl do all the fighting; the witch is my enemy as equals,” I told him, still not looking at him. My hand resting on the handle trembled even more. “Y/N, just step away from the door and let Howl do what he’s supposed to do,” Calcifer told me in a calm voice. But I didn’t do as he said. How could I? I was afraid that I’d lose Howl and I wouldn’t know what to do next. As much as I still wanted revenge, my feelings for Howl had changed things. For him, I was ready to runaway and forget about revenge. It seemed silly that I had been so focused on avenging my grandfather and I wanted nothing more than that. But on the road to avenging my father, I had fallen for the one who was helping me. And now I wanted nothing more than just for him to be safe. My heart and my intentions had changed so suddenly. I still wanted revenge, very bad, in fact. But I had found some kind of peace and warmth with Howl and I wasn’t really ready to let that go. I seemed pathetic even to my own self.

I was well aware of Calcifer boring his eyes into my back. Finally, I stepped back and closed the door, making my way up the small flight of stairs and towards the couch. When I had finally settled down, I didn’t look at Calcifer. There was a long silence between us. I didn’t know how much time passed; seconds, minutes, hours, days, eternities?  I wasn’t in my right senses. Fear was what overtook me; fear like I had never felt before. Slowly, I let myself calm down. Moments from before ran through my mind. Howl had been so close to me. He had been with me. I could have stopped him. “Don’t blame yourself, if you’re doing that inside your head right now, Y/N,” Calcifer spoke quietly. I didn’t reply. He was right after all. But that didn’t help making me feel better.

I felt something inside my palm. Howl’s pendant. When I opened it, it was lying inside my palm; shining. But the pendant seemed familiar. I brought out my own pendant from around my neck. I knew it. Howl’s pendant was just like the one my grandfather had given to me. My grandfather had got two identical pendants made. He gave one to my grandmother and took the other one for himself. Both of them used to wear those, from what grandfather had told me. But he never told me where grandmother’s pendant was. Now I knew where it had been all this time. Before her death, she may have given it to Howl, just like grandfather gave me his.

Sighing, I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. It was morning now and Markl would be coming downstairs soon. I had to be strong for Howl’s family; for Calcifer and for Markl. Calcifer was right; Howl would come. He would make it, for his family. After telling myself that over and over for a few minutes, I got up and made my way up the stairs and into the bathroom. I took a bath and then putting on a fresh pair of clothes, I came out. Markl was already downstairs by the time I went down. I made us breakfast and we ate in silence. “Y/N, Calcifer told me Master Howl came,” Markl spoke as I was washing the dishes. I nodded. “Yeah, he came. Last night. But he left again; just a little before daybreak” I told him. There was a look of surprise on his face. “Are you sure, Y/N?” he asked me and I nodded. He didn’t say anything after that.

After doing the dishes, I did some cleaning of the whole house; and then did the laundry. It took up a lot of my time. Markl helped as well and like that, chores became a great distraction. After lunch, Markl had to deliver a few potions and spells here and there, so he left and Calcifer and I were left alone in the castle. I sat myself on the couch and exhaled. Calcifer looked at me but didn’t say anything. “What?” I asked him after studying his face for a while since it had the expression that he wanted to say something but he was also debating whether or not to. “I was just wondering…” the demon trailed off. “Wondering what?” I asked him curiously. “Oh well. I was wondering last night, when I asked you if you loved Howl or not, you were unsure. And then later that night, I saw you confess to Howl and uhm, kiss him like that. So……” he trailed off again. I looked down. He was right. I had been unsure of my feelings for a long time; even when I had talked to Calcifer. But then I was in front of Howl and I suddenly didn’t seem unsure anymore. My chest felt all warm and fuzzy. My heartbeat increased. And when I looked into his eyes, I knew I loved him. I didn’t know where the surety came from though; maybe because he was there in front of me and my feelings were clear or because I had been afraid to lose him and when he had suddenly showed up, I wanted to tell him of my feelings and that I wanted him to live, with me.