For You • (Howl x Reader) ✔️

2- Howl

I sighed when I came home and slumped myself on a chair in front of the fire place. Calcifer looked at me sympathetically. “You look tired Howl,” he spoke quietly after a few moments. I nodded a little. A peaceful silence enveloped us, as I closed my eyes and rested my head against the chair. “Howl, I understand that you’re tired and exhausted but do you by any chance know Y/N?” And that was my cue to leave. “Calcifer, heat up some water for my bath,” I told him, getting up and walking away. Why was Calcifer asking that question? Did Y/N say something to him? Surely that couldn’t be it, but how did he get the idea that I somehow knew Y/N? I brushed the thoughts aside as I focused on going upstairs and taking a warm bath.

I made my way to the stairs slowly. I stopped near the stairs. Peeking from the curtain under the stairs, I saw Y/N sleeping peacefully on a mattress. Her H/C hair was open and she was wrapped in a blanket. I sighed as I made my way up the stairs, finally making it into my room. I took a warm bath, which relaxed me. After getting dressed into a comfortable outfit, I fell on my bed, embracing the long awaited sleep.

I

woke up when sunlight fell on my face. It was morning, which meant I’d have to go downstairs, which I was dreading firth thing in the morning. I didn’t want to face Y/N. She reminded me of him and that reminded me of so many negative emotions. I sat on my bed, debating whether to go down and eat or just stay up here in bed all day long. Not having breakfast wouldn’t kill me, and besides I didn’t feel like eating anything now that these thoughts had invaded my mind. Staying in bed sounded really good. I could relax and catch up on some sleep and freshen up. I didn’t know how much time had passed as I just sat there looking at the wall with a thousand thoughts running inside my head.  

Finally, I decided to go downstairs. Thinking I’d just make my way out of the portal and go out to distract myself, I went towards my bathroom. I took a long bath, changed and then I went downstairs. I put a smile on my face, which I didn’t feel like doing because of many reasons, but I had to. For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to smile. Was I changing?
Once I reached downstairs, I saw Markl, Y/N and Calcifer talking. They seemed to bear each other after all. “Morning, family, How’s everyone today?” I asked them, and then looking at Y/N, I said, “Did you sleep well? Did Calcifer give you a tough time after I left yesterday?” “No, no, he was fine. And I slept well,” she told me in a soft voice. I nodded, keeping up my smile.

“Well, I would love to sit and chat (not really) but I’ve some place to be and I really must go,” I told them. I went towards the portal door of my castle, turning the knob so the black color would open to my desired destination, and then opening the door, I jumped inside it.

Time Skip

I did everything I could do to distract myself from my thoughts but I couldn’t. It was so annoying. I couldn’t even be free of my own thoughts. I was trapped inside my own mind. I felt angry and frustrated. Finally, deciding that I couldn’t get away from my own thoughts after keeping myself caught in stuff all day long, I made my way home. It was sometime after midnight when I came back. I made my way inside my home. Not sparing a glance at Calcifer or Y/N, I climbed up the stairs.

After taking a long, well deserved bath, I climbed on my bed, frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to think about anything. It was all so annoying. I put my head on my soft pillow, as sleep over took me and I gave in, not wanting to remain awake any longer.

“I’m leaving,” I told him quietly.
He looked at me with concern laced in his eyes.

“I don’t understand. Why would you suddenly want to leave?” he asked me in the same soft tone he always used.

I couldn’t meet his eyes. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t stay there anymore.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but you have to understand. I’m sorry,” I told him, trying not to choke.

He sighed and then nodded.

“Very well, Howl, I won’t stop you. I know you have a good reason for this. You may not tell me, but I do understand,” he said.

I couldn’t say anything. Guilt overtook me as he came closer and hugged me.
“I love you, Howl, take care of yourself for me, alright,” he told me.

“I love you, too,” I told him.

He then let go of me and gave me his necklace pendant.

“I want you to take this with you. Stay safe, Howl, and make me proud,” he told me.

I wore the piece of jewellery he had given to me, which was very precious to him –perhaps the most precious thing to him.

My eyes were filled with tears by now, and so were his.

“Goodbye,” I told him.

“Goodbye, Howl,” he told me.

Tears flowed out of my eyes as I turned around and left. I cried for hours. He meant so much to me. All I could do was be sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I woke up with a start as I realized it was just a dream. But was it? Memories came flooding inside my mind. Unwanted memories. Twelve years. It had been twelve whole years since that day. I felt something hot on my face. I brought my hand to my face and my fingers immediately grew wet. Tears. And before I knew it, I was sobbing. I buried my face in my warm, soft, pillow and cried. I sobbed and let it all out. Every little thing from twelve years ago came back to me and I cried. I remembered all the thoughts I had been blocking for years, and I cried.

And that’s all I did that day. I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. I didn’t go out all day. I just couldn’t. I was a mess and so were my face and eyes. I couldn’t let anyone see me in this state. They’d ask questions; questions that I have kept the answer to which, only to myself. And besides, after that dream, I didn’t want to go out. Everything felt a drag.

Why had I agreed to take her in again? That’s right, I was too guilty to refuse and besides she had nowhere else to go. I spent all my day crying, sulking, regretting and debating whether I should’ve let Y/N stay with me or not; whether I had made the right decision, or once again, a wrong one. I kept sighing from time to time. That was the first time I had sighed and sulked that much in my entire life, and it sucked.

I kept lying in my bed, too numb to even move at this point. Every part of my being hurt. Every inch of my soul was tired. I just kept thinking and thinking; not even knowing what I was thinking. I felt completely lost for the first time in twelve years. This thought alone was enough to break me. I wanted to…..damn, I didn’t even know what I wanted. This was how lost I was.

I was tired and drained, mentally, emotionally and physically. For the first time, I felt broken. For the first time in twelve years, I missed him even more than I did every day. For the first time I regretted doing everything I did in the past. I regretted every single decision I had made that led to this day. I kept having these thoughts. I let myself drown in these emotions and thoughts. They were a part of me after all. They were me.

I didn’t know what time it was, but I finally drifted away to my escape world.