Wish I Was Home

Louis

Zayn decided to leave the band but didn't tell anyone and left in the middle of the night. The guy who was always my best friend, my partner in crime, my go to guy left and didn't tell me he was going. He just left and it gutted me.

When I called him it didn't go well. He was angry and I felt he took it out on me. I loved Zayn. He had been like my brother for years. The words he said to me on that phone call hurt like hell. I ended up hanging up on him and that was that.

He did an interview after he left the band and he didn't have anything good to say about us as individuals nor as a band. When he was asked about me his response was, "I never thought Louis and I would stop being friends. I guess I was wrong." That was his fault not mine. He ended our friendship without even discussing it with me.

Harry and I were close again but not too close. We exchanged glances, touches, and laughs for the fans. We shared much more behind closed doors. We gave the fans just enough to keep "Larry" in their brains. However, management was always present and kept our interactions to a minimum. The biggest plus was we could travel together again.

A guy named Jeff had attached himself to Harry and was promising him the world and Harry was falling for it. I didn't like him and had a bad feeling about him from the start. But when Harry decided he was ready to go solo it broke me. The band announced a hiatus and I was lost.

"Is this true?" Harry asked me holding up a magazine with me on the cover.

It was the article about me becoming a dad. "You knew about this Harry."

Harry and I had been discussing the process for a while and the in vitro with the surrogate we had chosen had worked. The worst part of it was I had to become a dad with the mother for the public and leave Harry out completely. I hated that part of the whole situation.

"Did you sleep with her?" He yelled. It felt he was trying to pick a fight with me.

But instead of trying to talk rationally and normally with him my anger took control. "Of course not!" I yelled. "Why the fuck would you even ask that?"

"What the fuck Louis?" He shouted. "I can't..." he trailed off.

"You wanted a baby!" I shouted. "And now we will be parents. We discussed it. In length! It was your fuckin idea! I wasn't the one who wanted this, it was all you!"

I didn't understand why he was so angry about it. We found the girl together and he knew I made the appointment. We had even met with the attorney together to start the surrogacy. He had met her for Christs sake! He was acting like a crazy person and as though this was new news. I had told him over and over that I had reservations about doing it while we weren't able to come out as a gay couple but he pushed me to do it. "We'll have a baby that looks just like you, love." He had told me after we chose to use my sperm and not his.

"Yes I want a child but not right now," he said.

I was hurt by his words. He wanted a child, he had been talking about being a dad for a year. But, suddenly he wasn't interested in the baby. He had been spending so much time with Jeff. Obviously too much time with him.

"Then why did we do all this?" I asked him. "Why did you push me to do it when you knew I wasn't ready either. You were so ready and now you're not?"

"I jumped into it too fast," he said. "I always jump too fast where you're concerned."

"What does that mean?" I asked him with tears in my eyes.

"It means I don't want a kid right now Lou," he said and pulled his ring off. "Looks like you're gonna be a father. Congrats." He said and laid the ring on the counter.