All The Shadows We Made

Chapter 12 - November - Kat

November

Kat

"I do love you," Jamie says. He says it with the kind of conviction he had when he told me the first time, curled up on Mickey's couch while the moon highlighted his hair and reflected in his smile.

I shouldn't believe him. I know I shouldn't. If Jamie loved me, he wouldn't have cheated on me.

But deep down, down where it counts, I do believe him. At least a little. More than I should anyway.

I open my mouth to tell him it's too late, he can go be some other girl's idiot now, but Jamie beats me to it. "If you want to break up with me, babe, I deserve it. I know I do. But you're my best friend. You know me better than anyone. I'm so sorry."

My lower lip smarts a bit as I worry it between my teeth. It's still chapped from our last stolen makeout session after school before Jamie left for Vegas. I think about a life without Jamie in it. A life without late-night conversations about old sci-fi books and giggling over the worst baby names known to man, a life without a Corona sweatshirt that smells like generic guy cologne to keep me warm at night, a life without stolen kisses and morning hugs at the park. A life where Maggie and Mickey are together and I have to deal with that all alone. A life where no one tells me they love me. No one at all.

Jamie keeps going. He's begging now, and I know how much it hurts his pride to do it. "I know I messed up, but we have something real here. Please, let me make this up to you."

I want to say no. I'm not the kind of girl who stays with a cheater. I don't want to be my mom. Duane could do anything to Charlotte and she'd stay, and I swore I'd never be like her. But when I open my mouth, what comes out instead of "No" is "Okay."

"Okay?" Jamie's incredulous, like it's Christmas morning and he just opened a present he never dreamed he'd get.

"Yeah. Okay. We'll work it out." I make myself sound firm. "But this is your only chance, Jamie. Seriously. Anything close to this happens again and I'm gone."

"I know, baby," he says, his voice as penitent as a sinner in a confessional. "This will never happen again. Ever." He pauses and takes a drink of what he says is a can of pop. I'm not sure I believe him. I ignore the little voice that says if I don't trust him, I shouldn't stay. "I love you, Katy-Kat."

"I love you too, Jamie-Bear."

A long, long pause. Then, "Wanna hear about the crazy pyramids I saw in Vegas?"

I stifle the bitter urge to ask, "Was this before or after you saw the hooker?" and say, "No, do tell" instead. The conversation dips and turns for another half hour or so as Jamie tells me about Vegas and I tell him about my awful Thanksgiving, how Charlotte invited some friends over and they left before dinner because Duane started screaming at her for basting the turkey ten minutes after the timer went off. The turkey the three of us sat down to at the big wooden table, full of place settings for already-departed guests, was juicy and moist, but Duane and Charlotte fought the whole night and I couldn't taste a thing. I don't mention how much I missed Jamie and how much it hurt that he never answered when I called.

He says, "I love you" again before we hang up, and I say it back, and so much of me wishes it wasn't true.

I debate calling Maggie, but Charlotte's light footsteps sound up the stairs right as I hang up. My mother scans the room slowly before holding out her hand. Her perfume fills the room until everything smells like gardenias. "Phone, Katherine."

I pass it to her. She scrolls down to the dialed calls. "You've been calling this number a lot lately. Who is it?"

Any other mom, one like Jamie's maybe, might offer a sympathetic shoulder to cry on or advice on what to do with a guy you think you love. But I can't even tell Charlotte I have a boyfriend in the first place.