Vital

i cleaned up the incense ashes

Small things have became milestones

Your small pebble you step over so casually -

became a boulder I pushed until my back would cave

Now, my back pops and cracks whenever I try to make it straight

But you see, I cleaned up all the incense ashes today -

so I'm okay,

I'm doing better

The palo santo, the sage and citrus, and the lavender

My dresser doesn't make my palms dingy after cleansing the air anymore

and -  I consulted my cards -

They called me out, like they always do -

but they said things will get even better

Maybe I'll start asking other questions I'm scared to ask

like, "Will you help me?" or "Would you hold my hand?"

I even used my spirit board and tried to ask my mother

- like when did she notice I was starting to slip

When did she realize that me clinging to her hip -

and shaking like a leaf when people spoke to me -

was stronger than shyness

I remember once, a teacher in sixth grade -

yelled at us all on our first day to scare us straight -

before we could even try anything

and I ran into my mothers arms after such a long day

and sobbed about how the entire world was shaking when she yelled -

and that I could still hear her hand slam on our desk

She marched herself to the principal

She did the same thing, yell and yell -

and she responded that if I was that emotionally distraught

about past events that I can't survive my future -

that I should just see a therapist

That only made her angrier

She insisted that I was just like everyone else

- except I hide

I curl into my shell so no one can hurt me

Loneliness is the safest place and I could access it so easily -

because everyone I had known before had put me there

That teacher suddenly was much nicer to me

Actually, she acted like I was a broken toy that could get her in trouble

My friends would point out that she was softer with me -

and I realized that even getting help was isolating

- but, I cleaned up the incense ashes today

The lotus, the jasmine, the rose, the strawberry -

the cedar, the frankincense, myrrh, and the rosemary

- hoping it was a good start to clean up the rest of my life

Next is my closet,

the skeletons have been a bit claustrophobic

They've been screaming like everyone else

If the past is dead, why is it all still lurking around

Ah, I think I'll make my bed first