Vital

no art in mourning

"There is not much I can say", I tell myself as I stare at my screen

It's pain, it's suffering, it's screaming internally-

but I'm here and I have to be right now for my nephew and niece -

because there's such a thing that allows hearts to crack and eyes to never stop crying

I look at them, in their bright blue eyes that went from looking like lively ponds with depth to a bottomless pit

and I register that look, I shiver at that look, and I have had that look when I lost my mother

Not much older was I either, and I whisper in their little ears that life won't always seem this low

- That these feelings come and go

I watch them smile wide at me, with pink cheeks and every tooth showing

and the next I am drying their eyes and saying that their mother is in the air that circles them, filling their lungs every morning

I hurt for them; I curse at any and all Gods that I don't believe even exist, because I have no one else to blame right now

I want answers; I want to breathe in excuses like cigarette smoke and exhale it to start feeling better

There is no art is mourning, this is only human

I glare at myself in the mirror, analyzing facial features

I want to find something of my sister's, something of my mother's -

but all I see is two tombstones side by side reflected in my eyes

I blank out, and wonder about why it couldn't have been myself

Why my sister could still be here with her two babies and husband -

with the sacrifice of a life that I must take for granted or something

I'm not sure; It's just not fair

My niece wants to sleep with photographs of her mother

She is eight

My nephew is trying to be too strong for his age  - but he breaks apart in my arms and crumbles like some sort of tart pastry that is much too sour to be devoured

He is ten

I whisper my, "I love you"s  in the air hoping they travel somewhere and cross last breaths

I look at my mother and big sister next to each other again,

and I think about how inviting it is to join them

- but all I can do is look at those kids and say that I will not leave them like I was left