Song of a Sophomore

CHAPTER 31 - Carnival

The dream startled me awake. When I opened my eyes, the world was sideways. My throat felt dry as the Sahara. My jaw ached. The pain radiating from my ankle grew more intense by the second. I kicked off a scratchy, wool blanket and sat upright. The euphoria I experienced all night long faded away like the embers of the bonfire.

Zach sat before me with his legs open and Katelyn sprawled out between them, her head resting on his leg. He stared into the smoking logs. The look on his face was utter boredom. Not the devastatingly handsome smirk I remembered from last night in the firelight.

"Good morning," it was Leo's gravelly voice. It rubbed me like sandpaper.

"Morning?!" I looked at the sky. The first light of day spread out on the horizon. "Oh my, God! I have to get home! My parents are going to be freaking out."

My stomach was filled with bricks. Images flashed through my mind—laughing, singing, dancing, touching everything and everyone with wild curiosity, wandering off into the vineyard and flying up the staircase of the dilapidated old mansion. It felt like a bad dream. I tried to put the pieces together.

What is real and what is imaginary?

I remembered Zach's eyes luminous in front of the bonfire. I remembered taking his hand, leading him into the field and telling him to kiss me under the stars. I hung my head, utterly embarrassed. My beautiful dress looked like it had been to hell and back, wrinkled and matted with dirt and dried up leaves. Mud caked to my bare feet. My body was completely drained of energy. I imagined I looked like a corpse. Pale and lifeless.

"Please, someone take me home. I need to go home." I stumbled to my feet.

This intense sadness took hold of me, a disappointment unlike any I had ever experienced before. The tears streamed down my cheeks. Never in a million years would I stay out all night, high on who knows what. I took drugs. The realization crushed me.

"It's not your fault," Leo reassured me with a gentle pat on the back. "Katelyn slipped you party drugs and, well, you partied."

"Like a rock star," Katelyn added, half asleep.

"How could you do this to me? Without my permission? Keeping me out all night?" I yelled, expending the last of my energy. I sunk to my knees and whimpered. "You are not my friend. Not now. Not ever."

Leo grabbed my purse, mask and shoes off the ground and helped me to my feet. His steady arm guided me over the uneven grass and dirt to Zach's pickup truck. Once I was safely inside, I looked at my face in the mirror. Mascara stains circled my eyes like a raccoon. Those false eyelashes Gloria applied painstakingly to my painted face dangled precariously from my swollen eyelids. I ripped them off.

"I look pale as a ghost," I moaned as Leo climbed in behind the wheel and started the engine. "No way. You don't even have a driver's license!"

"Chill out. It's just a couple of miles," Leo said. "It will be fine. My dad took me out a few times. Plus, I'm the only sober one. Just sit back and let me show you how it's done."

"I wrapped my arms around my shoulders, nearly cowering down into the seat. It was so cold.

"Here." Leo peeled off his coat and carefully draped it around me. He pulled it closed at my chest. "That better?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

We cruised slowly down the dirt road in silence. The mansion appeared through the trees, rotting away in the glow of dawn. The sight of it reminded me of my own faded beauty. I stared down at my hands and dusted off the dirt from last night's embarrassing escapade.

"I acted like a total fool," I said. "I was out of control, but in control. I felt so..."

"So good?" Leo asked.

"Yeah, like I didn't have a care in the world. But, now, I have to go face my parents. They've got to be a wreck."

I imagined my dad pacing the floor, Gloria making phone calls, wringing the spiral cord around her hands in worry, and Ryan watching for me out his bedroom window. I pressed my palms against my cheeks in grief. "What have I done?"

"Hey, don't cry," Leo said, putting his hand on my back. "It's all going to be fine. You're a teenager. Teenagers do stupid stuff sometimes."

"You didn't do anything this stupid."

"No, not this time." Leo said.

"How bad was it.... On a scale of one to ten?" I asked.

"Ten being the worst?"

"Yeah."

"Uh, well," Leo stammered. "I don't want to say it was a ten, cause you didn't throw up or make out with anyone or anything... but it was probably like an eight or a nine. You were kind of wasted. Rolling all around on the ground. Dancing all wild with your eyes glossed over. Touching everyone and—"

"Enough! Forget I asked." I buried my face in my grubby hands again. "Ugh. I can never face him again."

"Who? Zach? You're still hung up on Zach? You know, he's back with Katelyn."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I said. "Can we just change the subject?"

"He's never going to change, you know. He's not going to wake up one day and go for a girl like you. You're not his type."

"What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?" I seethed and looked out the window at the burnt orange and gold umber leaves falling from the trees. We drove past the golf course and onto the main drive outside the country club. I turned back to Leo. "Wait. Why am I not his type?"

"For starters, you're too serious. All straight-As and study guides. He likes them a little less brainy. Second, you're not a blonde. Blondes have more fun. That's a fact, which takes me to my third point. You are kind of boring."

"I am not boring."

"Yeah, you're like an old lady in a teenage body. A fine body. But an old lady, nonetheless."

I had never been so insulted. "Thanks a lot."

"Now, you're mad at me," Leo said in a pathetic tone of voice.

"Uh, yeah."

"Why? I said you were fine. You've got this beautiful, curvy body and the big, dark eyes and that amazing smile. I mean, you look a little shaky right now, but normally you're like a seven or an eight."

"Are you rating me right now? On my looks?" I wanted to reach across the seat and slap him. "What the hell is the matter with you? I'm going to be in the biggest trouble of my life. I just had this crazy trip on, I don't know, ecstasy or something, and totally humiliated myself in front of everyone. This is the worst day of my life!"

Leo pulled over on the side of the empty four-lane boulevard. He leaned toward me and looked me square in the eyes.

"Let me explain something to you. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself that you didn't get Dreamboat to fall in love with you, or you can just accept that he's never going to love you. You could give all that affection you're holding onto to someone else."

"Like who?" I asked.

"Like me." With that, Leo went in for a kiss.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I pushed him away and tried to open the car door. It was locked. I banged on the window. "Let me out!"

"Fine, fine," Leo said nonchalantly and pressed down on the power locks. "But, you shouldn't walk on that ankle."

"I'll be fine," I screamed and climbed out of the truck. My street was just up ahead. "Plus, I'd rather walk than ride with you."

I threw his jacket at him.

"Suit yourself. But, you'll change your mind someday," he said with conviction.

"No, I won't! I know your type. Your a bully and a player. I won't ever like you like that. Not ever!"

"You're wrong, but I'm not going to give up on you, Josephine."

"It's Rose."

I slammed the door for effect. Leo hit the gas and the tires squealed as he sped away.