Love is Pain

Hurting

December 13th
Veronica's POV

Today was the day I finally told people that we broke up. It was the first time I could think about it without crying. I mean it still hurt like... a lot. But I had to tell them eventually. Everybody kept telling me to stop talking to her and block her and whatever but they're saying this like they don't know me. I'm not that kind of person. I don't want to block her that would hurt me way too much.

"Oh, come on it really can't be that hard. All you gotta do is block her and don't talk to her." Cheryl told me.

"It's like you don't know me,"

"I know. I know. But I'll do it for you."

"You what I'll do the second you walk away,"

"God, you're so fucking stubborn,"

"I know,"

Nobody gave me what I wanted. All I wanted was for someone to understand and hold me while I cried. I wanted someone to listen and try to understand what I was going through but nobody would give that to me. They all just told me to block and ignore, block and ignore, block ignore. I just wanted someone to understand. I guess that's too hard to give.

What didn't really surprise me what that she started flirting with me again the day I was able to tell people that we broke up. Just randomly it's back to flirting. Still like nothing happened. I mean, I'm slowly hurting less. I guess I'm slowly going numb but that's whatever. I wasn't upset when she started flirting with me again. It actually made me happy. It honestly gave me more hope about what she said before. That we might be able to get together in the future. Was the future really this soon?

December 14th - 27th

A lot of things have happened. She's having family problems. We're still not together. I'm starting to get angry now. I'm going through my normal process of being hurt. I started sad, then go to numb, then to angry, then to like this angry and sad moment, and then just numb for an uncertain amount of time. Throughout this, I've really wanted to tell my mom. That's all I've wanted was my mom. I've wanted her to comfort me and to hold me. All I wanted was my mom but I don't know if I'll be able to have that if I come out. There is only one way to find I guess. And I hope I'm ready to do it. I don't even know if I am but I'm still gonna do it. Now is a good time because my dad's not home. 

"Mom! Can you come here for a minute?" I yelled from my room. As I said that I started shaking. My hands, my legs. Everything. I sat down because I couldn't stand anymore without almost falling. I took a few deep breaths to calm me down which I'm sure only made everything worse. Just then she walked in with a smile on her face.

"Hey, Ronnie, what's up?" She said. I felt tears in my eyes so I looked away from her.

"Um, I have something I want to tell you," I said, my voice breaking. 

"Veronica, what's wrong? What is it?" She asked as she noticed that and the tears in my eyes. "You're not pregnant are you?" She asked, obviously as a joke. I laughed a little.

"No. No, I'm not pregnant," I told her.

"Oh thank God! Well, what is it? What's bothering you so much?"

"Mom, this is something I've understood and come to terms with. It's taken me a long time to do that and I hope you can support me and love me still,"

"Veronica, nothing is going to make me love you any less. I will always love you. You're my child," she said. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. I could barely breathe. "Veronica, what's wrong?" I could tell she was starting to get worried. I could hear it in her voice. 

"Mom, I'm a lesbian," I said and just couldn't hold back tears. 

"Oh, Ronnie, it's okay. I still love you. I don't care if you're gay," she said pulling me into a hug. "It's okay. I promise it's okay," she kept repeating and just held me till I calmed down a little. I pulled away from her.

"Is it really okay?" I asked. She nodded and smiled.

"Of course it is. I just want you to be loved and happy," 

"Yeah,"

"Which I can you haven't been lately," she said. I looked at her. "I'm your mother, Veronica, I know when something is wrong. What is it?" She asked.

"That's a long story with more tears and some anger," I told her.

"We've got time. Your father won't be home for a few more hours. And I want to know what has been making my daughter's life such a hell lately."

"It's more like who," I told her and then told her the whole story. By the end, I was crying and she was holding me again. I couldn't breathe. Everything was a struggle. Everything felt so different when I was telling my mom what had happened then when I told Cheryl. She stayed with me until I fell asleep which was nice. I got to come out and still have my mom. At least one good thing has come from all of this.