'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

First love / Late spring

"Wild woman don't get the blues but I find that lately i've been crying like a tall child. So please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me."
____________________

—Greenhouse 6pm,
consider this begging.

How do you know when a decision is right or wrong?

How do you choose between needy numbness and total destruction?

These are my dilemmas.
These are the reasons i'm unsure what my response to his note will be.

Despite the freezing cold, a bitter wind dances across the grounds. I sit underneath the roof of the astronomy tower, protected from the icy raindrops that fall quickly.

It's the weekend again, and I like to be up early when I feel that the rest of the world will be sleeping in late.

I found the note outside of my door this morning, thinking about it sends another roll of anxiety throughout my body. Last night was brutal.

Each night, I slouch into his tan cable-knit sweater, but I don't put my arms all the way through. Instead I turn off all the lights, sit on my bed, hug my knees close to my chest and engulf myself in the body of it. The feeling of it. Then, I close my eyes and inhale the scent—slowly and deeply—because everyday it wears off a bit more; I don't want to miss a single breath of the rain and the chocolate and the parchment that radiates off it. When I finish that, I repeat his name in my head. Tens, dozens, hundreds of times. Just until finally, mercifully, the weighted blanket of sleep starts to drape over my mind and I can actually hear him respond. It's always very quiet, always just the whisper of a distant memory in my subconscious. Always, goodnight Delia, i'll be here when you wake up.

This is how I put myself to sleep.

But the other day, when I caught the briefest of glances of him in the halls, it tore me apart. I ran through the school, bumping into every which person as the disorientation from heart break began to start. When I finally secured an empty classroom, I let the disorientation take over. I sank to my knees and my head spun with nausea as I was transported back to the most painful night of my existence. The night I lost the two most important people in my life. And I cry and I sob and I heave and I choke on my own sadness from the sheer memories. Remus' face burns my mind and my heart. All from missing him. All from needing him. All from seeing him.

So how do I know?

How do I choose?

How do I pick between my own needy numbness and my own total destruction?

I look at the sheeting rain. Watching how the breeze makes it sway left slightly and hypnotically in a rhythmic motion.

"Can't sleep again?" Suddenly a voice sounds from behind me, laced with sarcasm and breaking the quiet.

I jump out of my skin, slipping and almost falling into a small puddle. Thankfully i'm grabbed and pulled back.

Regulus let's my arm go and leans against the large door frame before closing it, isolating us on the empty tower.

"So what if I can't? What's it to you anyways?" I turn to him, taking a few step forwards until I can't anymore. I guess we are straight into our usual ways.