jude bellingham 𝐼𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑠

Jude Bellingham - just tell me

being hurt by someone mentally is never fun. but when that someone is the person you love it will always hurt a little more, always break your heart a little more, always cause deeper scars that never really fade away.

the silence was so thick you could probably cut it with a knife. i decided not to say anything because i didn't want to start anything and have the third argument of the day.

i was so tired of this being an everyday thing at this point. yes of course couples have disagreements and have arguments sometimes, but this was breaking me slowly and it was like we had closed up and pushed each other away.

ever since we got home from the dinner i was still stood in the hallway. the floor was cold and the air wasn't warm enough considering the temperature outside. even though it was silent my ears were ringing loudly only making it more difficult to think. my heart was beating hard in my chest, if someone was stood beside me they would probably hear it.
i found the courage to let my feet lead me to the open wall space that entered the kitchen.

the dim lights that slightly illuminated the countertops from the pitch dark outside of the huge windows. Jude rested his back against the countertop, his head tilted back his hands resting over his face.
his chest lifted slowly up and down in an even pace bringing some type of calm, but i knew it was far from it. underneath those hands was an expression of annoyance and tiredness, but also a glimpse of anger that wanted to take control but was forced not to.

i flinched slightly as Jude let out a deep sight snapping me out of my cloudy mind. i watched as his hands dropped from his face, letting his face fall with them focusing on the floor by his feet.
i would have said something if i knew what to say. i just wanted to go up to him and ask him if he needed to talk about something or calm him down but i couldn't, the reason we were like this was because of us.
we where the ones that caused this and it felt like every time we tried to work it out i ended up with a new argument and we had just dug deeper into our pity hole.

all i had wanted to do these weeks we had together, was to make memories and make up for the time we wasn't able to see each other during him playing football and living in germany and me in england living the regular life. but then disagreements resulted into arguments and us avoiding each other to not have to be confronted about our relationship issues.

i took a deep breath as i decided it was for the best to just go to bed at this point. my body turned to walk away from the depressing sight of my so called lover to escape. i just wanted to escape before i knew a new argument would form and we wouldn't see the end of it.

"y/n" Judes voice sounded deep, no real emotion laced over it. i froze in my tracks.
"could we just talk for once?" i felt the anger simmer up again as i turned to stand in the doorway facing him, as our eyes met.

"i've literally been trying to talk to you plenty of times and you have just brushed me off but now it's a good time to have a chat?,oh okay lets hear it then" i hissed back crossing my arms over my chest as i said the last part.

"yeah well maybe, if you couldn't tell already i did in fact NOT want to talk earlier about what the fuck is going on between us but if that's how it is then let's not talk then." he spit out once he stood up straight from leaning against the counter putting his hands up in defense as he walked closer to me.

"so this is all my fault for wanting to know what the issue was when you where acting like a baby and ran away from the problems like you always do." i remarked walking closer to him pointing a finger at his chest. okay perhaps that one was a little harsh don't you think.

his eyes were dark as he now stood in front of me in the dark room adding to the fact i couldn't see him that clearly. in frustration he shock his head lightly before the words he was searching for came to mind.
"look, i tried to have a chat with you right now but as it seems your not up for it. and that's fine, then let's ignore our issues and go to bed and wake up tomorrow and act like everything is fine when it clearly isn't-" his face moved closer to mine before he whispered."-and we both know it."

his eyes pierced right into mine before he let out a deep sight and he moved past me walking away.
"Jude i do want to talk about it." i slipped out not wanting to let this get further then it already was.
his footsteps on the wooden floor stopped. i turned to look at him, i noticed he didn't get far before he had stopped in his tracks.

"but i know you don't" i firmly said my voice clearly filed with sadness instead of anger which caught Jude by surprise as he turned around and was about to say something before i cut him off.

"i just want to know what's stopping you from telling me what's going on and why this has all happened in the first place, whatever it is that is bothering you- you have to tell me. i can't read your mind and magically know what's up and how to help you if your not willing to speak to me."

it stayed quiet for a second before i saw he was about to say something and i began talking again.

"even if it's me that's bothering you tell me, because walking around knowing that something is clearly bothering you and me not being able to help you hurts. it hurts so bad Jude. all i've ever wanted for you is to be happy and if i can't give you that then maybe it's better for us to get some time away from each other. please Jude- just talk to me." i had wandered closer to him and i was now as close to him as i was when i had pointed at his chest earlier.
his eyes closed and his head tilted back before his hands ran down his face. our eyes met again and i saw the sadness and frustration in them.

"look it's not about you it's just-" he cut himself off and took a deep sight. "it's all so stressful with football and injuries and i know that you have just gotten better with your mental health and i don't want to make you feel bad because of what's happening in my life, and i guess that i brought that onto us and messed everything up and now i ended up doing what i didn't want to happen.." he avoided eye contact while talking but now looked right into my eyes again.
"i'm sorry" his voice was low but higher than a whisper, he looked to sad and it broke my heart even more now because of the fact i was yelling at him earlier when all of this had been a mistake from the beginning.

"i'm also sorry, but please remember that i'm always here for you and i will always try to help you out no matter what it is-," i placed my hands by his neck our bodies closer again and his hands came up to ready in the small of my back.
"-if there is something you don't want to talk about that's fine too, you don't have to feel pressured to tell me everything but let me know so that i this doesn't happen again please." i weakly smiled at him before he mirrored my action and he hugged me, placing his face at my neck.

for a couple seconds we just stood there, enjoying the moment we both had missed so deeply.
as we broke apart his eyes were on my lips before he leaned down and his soft lips meet mine.
"you don't even know how much i've missed that." he said as we both stood up straight looking into each other's eyes again seeing those love filled eyes we have both missed so much.