Out of Pocket

Death

My husband died of lung cancer along with cirrhosis of the liver simultaneously. My son and I were devastated. I had pleaded with my husband years ago to quit smoking and drinking for his health, but he never listened. I still miss him dearly to this day, he was so handsome, intelligent, and sweet. He just loved his vices more than his family. The same year he died was the same year my son would start college, but he took a year off to be with me and help me around the house because I was paralyzed with overwhelming grief. I didn't leave my bedroom for months. I was at least left with enough life insurance money to help my son with his college tuition and other costs, pay off our debts, and buy an RV to travel all around the United States as a getaway from being stuck in the house. I wasn't very old when this all took place, only 39, because I had had my son at a young age. I was also not interested in remarrying, a part of me still grieves. When I finally came out of my bedroom I was resolved to take a big road trip traveling in the RV from state to state with my son to make some good, new memories before he went off to a prestigious university. He is so smart, just like his father was. He will do great things.

After that, I was on my own and had the house all to myself and didn't even know where to begin. How do you rediscover who you really are if you are no longer a wife and your son has gone off to college? I still had quite a bit of money left over from the insurance so I was not pressed to find work. I actually had not been in an office environment in over 15 years. I was a homemaker because my husband made decent money. I also had to drive my son to and from school for a while before he learned how to drive. When my son got his license, my husband fell ill, and I had to take care of him.
However, my sex life with my husband had waned even before he got diagnosed with lung cancer. I loved him, but he was always gone at work or out with his friends, and his beer breath turned me off completely. He never worked on himself to make me want him more in that way. Now that I'm older and a bit more confident in what I want I guess it was time to try dating again. I kept myself up well and I was ready to find someone to have fun with. Perhaps someone younger than me. Someone energetic, successful, who took care care of themselves. Someone who would make me feel alive again. I had been dead inside for far too long.