six of crows oneshots + stories

acceptance is your only peace: kanej pt. 3/3

part 3/3 of this kanej angst series!
a song for how kaz feels: all i want by kodaline
a song for how inej feels: favorite crime by olivia rodrigo

kaz pov
seven months later

Kaz despised himself for constantly thinking about her, even when he should be focused on other things like figuring out who in the Dregs had been leaking information to the Black Tips of their recent endeavors. He hadn't really realized how much he relied on Inej's skills until she had truly left Ketterdam, and therefore him, for good.

When he and a few others had been cornered in a back alley during a break in to gather information on one of the major suppliers of cotton, he knew immediately that someone had slipped up or sold them out. He had let more things go unchecked in the past few months than ever before, and he was stressed out of his wits with this leak.

Kaz rubbed his face before making the horrible descent down the stairs. He heard hushed murmuring and the doors of the Slat closed as whoever was down there dispersed. He knew it was because they heard him coming. He was their leader, and he had acted the part better than Per Haskell ever had. There were more nights than not that he had returned bloody and bruised. He had to show them what it really meant to be apart of his gang, but maybe he had shown them too much. It was like he had become their monster instead of their lieutenant.

Now he laid on top of his covers, letting the warm breeze coming in through the window tickle his hair. Ketterdam had been unrelentingly hot the past week, and Kaz had finally given in and stripped off his shirt. The absence of the fabric barely helped at all. He hadn't slept in a week, and he would probably dig his eyes out if he had to go on another day.

He turned towards his window, unable to sleep. He would normally be working through the stacks of paper on his desk, but he had finished them all. It left him with nothing to do but stare at the ceiling of his attic room, willing his thoughts not to drift back to the place it always winded up at.

A black shape fluttered past the glass, and a second later he could see the small body of a crow resting on the outside ledge. That was all it took for the memories to rush back at him.

Inej perched on the roof, feeding the crows that gathered around her slippered feet, her face turned towards the sun, her lithe body posed as it always is, balanced in every way like she's about to make the walk across the rope. He wanted to see her beautiful smile, hear the sweetness in her laugh. He just needed to see her once more, to tell her that he was sorry. He would not ask for anymore than a few minutes. 

She had become another memory in his arsenal, another weapon that his mind consistently uses to remind him of something he would rather forget. Not her, of course. He wouldn't ever want to forget her. He would like to forget the circumstances in which she left, his own stupidity and stubbornness driving her away.

Kaz turned away from the window, his chest clenched in that way it always did when he thought of her. He had written countless letters to her already, sending them to the ports she stopped at along her route. There was one waiting for her in Ravka, Fjerda, and Noyi Zem. Would she read them or would they become kindling for a fire?

He had asked Jesper to come back, and the sharpshooter had agreed. He had done everything to try and fix it so that when she returned he would be better for her. If she ever came back at all.

Kaz's 3rd letter: 

Inej, Captain Ghafa, 

You were right. I keep looking to the shadows, expecting you to be there. And you're never there. I wanted you to know that I've taken a liking to correcting the others when they ask where you are. They want to know where "my Wraith" is. I tell them that you are not my Wraith, that you're no longer that Wraith at all. I tell them to call you Captain Ghafa or that I'll show them exactly how their lips would feel after I've cut them off.